Deep In Earth

I listen to a lot of bands and sometimes I would take "hiatuses" with some bands. And that's pretty normal. Sometimes a band would get me interested but then I won't listen to them anymore. Sometimes I'd appreciate a band but don't really get into their music. Sometimes I'd listen to a band, leave them for a while as I listen to other bands, then get back to listening to them again. But sometimes, I'd stick with a band no matter what. No matter if I left them for a period to get my variety needs and listen to other bands, I would always go back to this band. This band who gets me. The music and the message that this band, Dir En Grey convey fit me well. In the past, I've listened to some bands thinking that 'this is it'. But I was totally wrong. When I got into Dir en Grey, I delved deeper into them, I realized that they are the only ones who get me, either musically for emotionally. Now, before anyone accuses me of being a pervert ...

I've almost lost it when I heard people talking about things they don't know. Or implying some sort of superiority over me. I was losing my patience. The other day, my friends were talking about how their education or degrees are higher than mine. I can see that because I study management while they study all these scientific degrees. They basically made me feel put down because they have suffered more in their education and their FYPs were so hard for them to do, due to it being scientific and the requirements were high. When I spoke, they just countered it by saying that their endeavors were harder. They made me feel like my education was useless because they were suffering more. It's like saying to a sad person not to feel sad because millions of people die every day and millions do no have the luxuries that I have today. I felt like they insulted my hard work, because I did work hard for my education. I tried to pass it over but I kept remembering it and it made me ...

I'm always wondering if these feelings and emotions come to me as a good thing or a bad thing. It always gets in the way. I always feel everything. This sensitivity and empathy is not good for me. It can drive me to the edge,and it has so many times before. I try to help it, tone it down, or fix it. But suppressing it just makes it worse. Letting it go or keeping it in, I still suffer it more or less the same way. What can I do to fix it? What can I do to cure it? Will it ever be helped? I am so sick of trying to pretend that everything is alright when I am an emotional wreck inside. The thing is, I hate it that I am an emotional wreck, most of the time. Trying to be strong or carry on is no help at all. I think I've just gotten more sensitive over time. Being unable to express myself makes it pretty difficult too.

I am usually silent. I don't give my reasons when people assume or accuse me of things. I don't even bother anymore because people will keep on finding ways to justify their accusations, even when I am telling the truth. I can tell them, but then our minds are not the same. So they will twist it according to their understanding and perception, and naturally they will disprove of my reasons. Calling it "invalid", "stupid", "lazy", and whatever it can be. I don't want to bother with people who will never understand me. It's not their fault anyway. They've been socialized to understand things as such. And I have been socialized to understand things my own way. Nobody is at fault. So I always remain silent. I do things my own way, because getting people to be considerate of other people is not what I aim to do with my life. And if they accuse me and assume things about me, without the effort to understand me, then so be it. I am w...