Deep In Earth

I'm having a blast listening to Diru tonight. I'm reminded time and time again how amazing this band is. The whole band. The members are close to being miracles on earth for their amazing abilities and creativity. It blows my mind away. And one of the reasons why they are so awesome and precious is the way they are able to express their emotions and feelings through their songs. A guitar phrase, a drum phrase, a bass phrase, a vocal phrase, all these phrases that all these instruments make just somehow create such a sound and emotion that picks at my heart-strings. I started my playlist with Kasumi and now the blues have surfaced. By the time I got to Ranunculus, my tears just flowed out without me having to try. It's that kind of night again. Which is why I am listening to Dir en Grey.

These past few days have been pretty colourful. I started a new job as this year started and now it's the third month. As I go to work, I'm pretty cheerful because I've made good friends already at the workplace. When I come home, I'm happy as I get to rest and play games. However, the days at home were spent with much gloominess. The black thoughts have started to come back, and my heart feels tight. My wrist feels light and my muscles feel heavy. Dark thoughts are here, and I'm trying to ignore them. News that touch the heart or emotional news break my stoic front and tears began to flow. My chest hurts and my mind is filled with so much gloom. It is hormones again? I feel sad that the people I love are hurting when all I want for them is to be happy. I feel sad when people are evil to each other in the news because human beings deserve to be treated with respect and mercy. I feel sad when people ignore the genocide of fellow human beings in war-bound countrie...

It's a tearful kind of night tonight. I've been spending the day playing computer games and watching Dir en Grey videos. Now I've got the "konpeki no umi". Then made a playlist of my melancholic songs that would suit my mood right now. Somehow got Zakuro into the list, played it, gave up in the first 10 seconds. No, I'm not ready for that. Got Jealous-reverse- and Kasumi, and somehow it's making me sadder. I didn't cry, but my eyes got watery. My heart feels weak and tired. I tried my best today, as well as these last couple of days. Maybe I should release it all now.

I have a lot of thoughts in my mind and a lot of things that I plan to do. I've got so much stuff that I want to do. But today, I'm just going to express a little opinion of mind. As a human being, I've always wanted to be a better person. I'm trying to be a better person in the direction to God. But sometimes, I'm not always a good person. As much as I try to be patient and positive, there's darkness in everybody and I have accepted that there is a darkness in me that perhaps won't go away as long as I live. All I can do is keep trying and be better, and look back on my actions and decide to stay away from anything that will cause me to be the person that I don't want to be. I also believe that anybody can change for the better. No matter what their past may be, there's always a potential of good in every single human being. I truly believe that. It is up to God to open their hearts and show them the way, and it's up to the person themselves...

I've been researching a lot about my empathy. I always regarded myself as an extremely introverted person but I found out that these things I am experiencing could mean something psychic. Now, I'm not saying that I am psychic, but I do believe that some people do have the gift of empowered intuition and senses. So I got into reading about these things and I came across a word called 'clairsentience'. Apparently, it means the ability to sense strongly the feelings and emotions of entities around them in the heart and body. This is very intriguing because I never regarded it as clairsentience before, but I do pick up the emotions and feelings of people a lot. That's why I hate going to crowded places or places where there are a lot of people. It exhausts me a lot and I tend to just look down and not mind other people around me. I haven't been going out a lot, just a few times because I was forced to, but I really didn't want to. Let me tell you a few incid...

It has come a time when I have been craving some company. I never thought I would thinking about it like I have recently. I have a confession to make. I've been feeling the need to have intimate human company. I wish to connect intellectually and emotionally with someone special. I don't have a significant other and I have been pretty alright without that need. But somehow, I've started craving for it. I guess it's a pretty normal human desire to want someone who would always be by your side and have your back no matter what. I'd like that a lot, now that I think about it seriously. I like the idea of a partner as home. Someone who feels like home. Wouldn't that be a nice thing to feel?

This month is a pretty nice month for me. The weather is great so far, and we've had some heavy rain for a few days so that was invigorating. Today, the weather is sunny. I like to talk about the weather because truthfully, I kinda enjoy the weather. I mean, looking at the sky and seeing how the weather is. That kind of fleeting moment is something I enjoy to do even if I don't like the outdoors very much. I love the trees and the animal kingdom, but I'm not the outdoor-sy type. I enjoy the indoors and solitude very much. With that said, I do feel kinda stuck here. I'm in a situation where I have to wait. I can make more effort and do more, but somehow I feel suffocated. Maybe I'm just lazy... But things are so trying sometimes. I wonder why I feel tired of everything and get annoyed at the most trivial of things? I was concerned recently because I don't want to go out of the house. I mean, go out to town and such. There was a time when I didn't even wan...

Tonight, I'm pretty drained. I feel like I could use a good cry. I haven't cried for release in a long time. There's too many thoughts in my mind that I couldn't properly think about all of them. Things happened today that made me so drained and bruised. I wouldn't say that I'm hurt, but it affected me so much that I'm so mentally disturbed right now. We got scolded again today for being late. I totally understand the reasoning behind it. It's pretty basic, being there early. What I don't understand is why I had to be dragged into it. I wished people could be more patient and not be angry. Especially now 'cause we're going to do umrah soon. And why do I have be seen like the person who don't know anything when I'm the one asking for the other person? And the other person looked at me smirking. I'm the one who's asking the question for the other person because the other person was too shy to ask it. Then why look at me ...

Can love and support really help to save someone from suicide? This year, there has been more news of suicides of our beloved artists. Who knows how much more of that of the ordinary people. So many people are giving their favourite artists their love and support, but I wonder if it will ever give the impact that was expected. I fear for that. Depression isn't as easy as feeling alone or sad all the time. The numbness cannot be cured simply through heartfelt words. But I do think that it is important to express the love and support, if it could help the victim to realize something, anything, of significance. Sometimes, it is not that the victims are drowning in loneliness, or they feel that they are unimportant, or they are unhappy. They do realize that they are much fortunate than others, and that they are important to their family and fans, but the numbness won't go away. It does for some, but for others, it seldom goes away, and sometimes not at all. Is it us? We a...

I've been thinking about this lately. Thinking about the things that I love very deeply... It would absolutely crush me to have it taken away. Please, do not ever go away. Please be here for always and never end. It would crush me. It would crush me. I would break. So please don't ever end. Don't ever leave us. Promise us this.

Tonight, I'm going to talk about something that happens to me sometimes that I have no explanation of. There are days when I can function normally, and there are days when I can't. These days, I can function somewhat normally, but I have some behavioral problems that is closely resembling the days when I can't really function normally. One of them is keeping clean. And by that, I mean showering and keeping my room tidy. On bad days, sometimes I won't shower (sometimes I do) and I won't go out (I always shower if I have to go out). I make sure to wash my face and hands, but I'm not showering as often as I should. My room has started to keep a mess. My leftover art supplies are still left laying on the floor. I'm really starting to hate it when I have to do chores. I like to do chores willingly, but sometimes when I am told to do something, I don't want to do and I have to force myself. I hate forcing myself but it had to happen like that. I real...

I've been spending a lot of time reminiscing about the past, and by that, I mean about Dir en Grey. Kyo's screams are the best then and now. I really miss the cute Kyo back when they first started. It baffles me how cute he was. Then when they went on Europe and American tours, things started to get pretty tough on them. Kyo turned to express himself more. I have to say, I don't miss the days when he self-harmed on stage. I'm glad those days are gone (almost...) but I do miss their intensity and the pain that I could hear in that voice. I could tell the frustrations that they were having, the pain and the difficulties, and it translated into a penetrating voice which Kyo would scream out to the audience. I think those times of trial and pain pushed them further with their performance, resulting in an emotional performance each time. I cherish those days but I'm sure as happy they are pass. I miss to hear the pain in that voice but I'm also glad the pain of tho...

I listen to a lot of bands and sometimes I would take "hiatuses" with some bands. And that's pretty normal. Sometimes a band would get me interested but then I won't listen to them anymore. Sometimes I'd appreciate a band but don't really get into their music. Sometimes I'd listen to a band, leave them for a while as I listen to other bands, then get back to listening to them again. But sometimes, I'd stick with a band no matter what. No matter if I left them for a period to get my variety needs and listen to other bands, I would always go back to this band. This band who gets me. The music and the message that this band, Dir En Grey convey fit me well. In the past, I've listened to some bands thinking that 'this is it'. But I was totally wrong. When I got into Dir en Grey, I delved deeper into them, I realized that they are the only ones who get me, either musically for emotionally. Now, before anyone accuses me of being a pervert ...

I've almost lost it when I heard people talking about things they don't know. Or implying some sort of superiority over me. I was losing my patience. The other day, my friends were talking about how their education or degrees are higher than mine. I can see that because I study management while they study all these scientific degrees. They basically made me feel put down because they have suffered more in their education and their FYPs were so hard for them to do, due to it being scientific and the requirements were high. When I spoke, they just countered it by saying that their endeavors were harder. They made me feel like my education was useless because they were suffering more. It's like saying to a sad person not to feel sad because millions of people die every day and millions do no have the luxuries that I have today. I felt like they insulted my hard work, because I did work hard for my education. I tried to pass it over but I kept remembering it and it made me ...

I'm always wondering if these feelings and emotions come to me as a good thing or a bad thing. It always gets in the way. I always feel everything. This sensitivity and empathy is not good for me. It can drive me to the edge,and it has so many times before. I try to help it, tone it down, or fix it. But suppressing it just makes it worse. Letting it go or keeping it in, I still suffer it more or less the same way. What can I do to fix it? What can I do to cure it? Will it ever be helped? I am so sick of trying to pretend that everything is alright when I am an emotional wreck inside. The thing is, I hate it that I am an emotional wreck, most of the time. Trying to be strong or carry on is no help at all. I think I've just gotten more sensitive over time. Being unable to express myself makes it pretty difficult too.

I am usually silent. I don't give my reasons when people assume or accuse me of things. I don't even bother anymore because people will keep on finding ways to justify their accusations, even when I am telling the truth. I can tell them, but then our minds are not the same. So they will twist it according to their understanding and perception, and naturally they will disprove of my reasons. Calling it "invalid", "stupid", "lazy", and whatever it can be. I don't want to bother with people who will never understand me. It's not their fault anyway. They've been socialized to understand things as such. And I have been socialized to understand things my own way. Nobody is at fault. So I always remain silent. I do things my own way, because getting people to be considerate of other people is not what I aim to do with my life. And if they accuse me and assume things about me, without the effort to understand me, then so be it. I am w...

It feels so vexing, when a person such as myself, haven't been creative for a long time. I keep getting these urges to do creative things, such as writing, painting, playing music... But I couldn't really invest myself in those pursuits, just because I am busy doing other things such as my internship and housework. I feel sad and useless sometimes, when I can't release my want to be creative. And it's not anybody's fault really. It's me, because I couldn't really get so much stuff done in one day. However, this gets to me so much, more than it needs to because nowadays, I am doing pointless things that don't even mean anything to me. I'm talking about office work. It's fun to do sometimes and I am enjoying it. But to an extent, I feel like it's pointless. I'm not alive so I can do those pointless stuff. I feel like I am wasting time away by doing all these insignificant things, while I could be doing real meaningful stuff to me, lik...

This morning I have received one of the saddest news. On the 20th of July, Chester Bennington was found hanging. Can words ever give justice to how I feel? And many other people all over the world? The other day, it was Chris Cornell. And now Chester. It made me think that we don't know anything about anything at all. It scares me to think that how many people more would we hear news of that succumbed to this disease? I don't even know if I can take any more news similar to this. God, I'm in such a tangled state of mind. I don't even know how to express my grief properly. Who do I talk to? It's so vexing to think about how Chester have fought and struggled all these years and  this happened. I feel sad for him, for his family, for the band, for other people who have been influenced by Chester. The question of why and what if have been lingering for a while, but I decided that sometimes I don't need to know because sometimes, I myself don't want peopl...

It's my birthday. I've always wanted  a quiet birthday. I'd really like to have a peaceful birthday, like waking up in the crisp morning when the birds starts chirping and the world is covered in dew. I'd have a simple breakfast because that is how I like it. Something like French Toast or grilled cheese with tomatoes. I'd have some nice, hot green tea and eat in my bed. Watching my favourite videos. Everybody would be peaceful and there would be no noise. Just me. And my favourite things. I think that would be very nice. I've been pretty upset lately. I think it was just me getting over the edge after keeping it in for so long. It's times like these when I tend to think that I am just not built or fully equipped to face all that in this world. But I know that I am very lucky to be alive and well. I am very lucky to be physically able and healthy. Even if my head isn't very healthy sometimes. I have to work on that and I know God will always sus...

Hey. I feel a need to express how much I love this person named Sid Wilson. When I first got into Slipknot, I didn't want to be hyped up because everyone else was so into them. So being the person I am, I don't want to like what everyone else liked. I don't know why, it just seemed really repelling to be with the trends. I don't know, that's just me. I was already very fond of this dude named Sid who stage dives and jumps off of high places. His parts in the music and how he performs them on stage was very cool to me too. I thought that his mask looked the coolest, plus the fact that I really have a fascination with gas masks. But I was like, "Hold up... I won't get into it..." But as time goes by, I just have to accept it at this point. I can't deny it any longer, you know? To be honest, I am not really interested in his hip hop or jungle music. It's not the kind of music that I am into. I just can't get into it. But Sid as a person, t...