Deep In Earth

There are no classes today. I'm opting to stay inside all day. I was pretty wrecked last time. I felt like the world was ignoring me and I felt helpless. I couldn't rely on anyone but myself and God. I realized that I couldn't depend on people because they don't really care about you. They won't help you no matter what because they have their own lives. They won't realize that you're drowning and they won't come save you because it would ruin their schedule or they had better things to do that save you. It's really like that. But yesterday, I had some people helping me. And I'm thankful for that. I was bad because I was late, and I felt so awful because of it. I hate inconveniencing people, and if I do, it effects me more than it should. I'm talking about "I should be punished for this" kind of thinking. Even though it's kind of a small thing. I think, if I took my own life because of something like that, it would surely be ...

It's Sunday today. And I'm not doing too good. I've started to do my final year project seriously but it seems like I've had some pretty tall brick walls to scale. It's pretty bad. I called my dad and he told me I should have done something sooner. Well, he's right. I've did bad. It was my fault for delaying things. I didn't have enough courage to even talk to strangers. I didn't have the confidence. I remember I was so scared and anxious. Just thinking about it made me nervous. And that has costs me so much these past few weeks. All because of my anxiety. It's really hard on me now. I don't what else I can do. I just hope the other people can help me out. I won't give up. I'll think of something. I'm trying to be optimistic because if I let it consume me, I'll get all depressed again and that is not what I need right now. If it gets to that I won't be able to do anything. I'm struggling to keep the darkness away...

It's night time. This past few days, I've been brooding about a lot of things. Some sad things, some sweet things, and some exciting things. It inspired me to write some new posts, but life got ahead of me and I didn't write anything. Tonight, I decided to spend some time to update the blog and post some stuff. I have a Skype call interview tomorrow afternoon. I was extremely nervous because the recipient was someone I never seen or talked to before. Then I read that it's better to just audio call somebody for Skype interviews, so that helped with my anxiety a bit. Since I couldn't see the person, and the person couldn't see me, I feel a little bit better. My daily routine consists of me watching Youtube videos. Just now, I watched a chocolate cake and cheesecake souffle tutorial. The recipe was so simple even I felt like I could do it. It make me feel like, I want to bake a cake right now. But I'll save it for when Eid comes around. I'll bake those ...

I'd like to say a Happy Ieroween because yesterday was Frankie's birthday. I'm going to watch the movie Halloween and listen to songs. At this time, I'm supposed to do my final year project and do some assignments. But I am procrastinating. I am really the epitome of those negative hormonal women. I do stuff based on my emotions. I remember things based on my emotions. Sometimes I think like I am held captive by my emotions. They are just that strong. I have a significant degree of willpower (I promise). And sometimes, like today, I surrender and do what my emotions tell me. You know that comic art that some people made, about what the brain (or mind) wants us to do but then the heart wants us to do something else? Well, I have not only the brain and the heart, I have the emotions to try make me do things differently too. It's completely separate from the brain and heart for me. The weather is also pretty darn nice tonight. Pretty cold, much more on the ...

After a lot of hassle about finding a place for me to stay, I've finally been able to live in my previous dorm. I have officially live here for 4 years. Alhamdulillah, now I have a nice place to stay. Today I was reminded about a certain story or statement that my lecturer of International Relations told me and the entire class. She told us a story about now a student taking HRD in our uni was furthering her master's degree in resource sciences. She told us that the student was confused. She said that the student should have taken a master's degree in something related to her degree. Listening to this, I have to say that I disagree. Well. Perhaps what she is saying is true. It is arguably more reasonable to further your master's degree with an area that you are already familiar with and have basic to moderate level of knowledge in the field. Taking a completely different subject would only mean suicide and burdening yourself. Who would want to do that, right? I am...