Deep In Earth

These past few days have been pretty colourful. I started a new job as this year started and now it's the third month. As I go to work, I'm pretty cheerful because I've made good friends already at the workplace. When I come home, I'm happy as I get to rest and play games. However, the days at home were spent with much gloominess. The black thoughts have started to come back, and my heart feels tight. My wrist feels light and my muscles feel heavy. Dark thoughts are here, and I'm trying to ignore them. News that touch the heart or emotional news break my stoic front and tears began to flow. My chest hurts and my mind is filled with so much gloom. It is hormones again? I feel sad that the people I love are hurting when all I want for them is to be happy. I feel sad when people are evil to each other in the news because human beings deserve to be treated with respect and mercy. I feel sad when people ignore the genocide of fellow human beings in war-bound countrie...

Sometimes we do get these voices in our heads. But we just get on with our lives and it doesn't bother us anymore. It's gone like a fleeting moment. However, I'm surprised at myself. Since yesterday, I've been having these voices in my head, these intense, emotionally-charged and repeating voices that tells me bad stuff. I'm kind of scared actually. I mean, we read about these stuff, you know. Things about depression and mental illnesses. I'm kind of scared if this is what's happening to me. I wasn't so sure if I had these things before, since I wasn't so educated about it. But it's here now, and it's not going away. I think it happened because I went out with my friends last night and I was driving. I showed one of my acquaintance a side of me that I don't usually show to other people. And the things that I said.... I wish I hadn't said it. So that kind of played into me being so beat up about it. I beat myself up about it even tho...

This month is a pretty nice month for me. The weather is great so far, and we've had some heavy rain for a few days so that was invigorating. Today, the weather is sunny. I like to talk about the weather because truthfully, I kinda enjoy the weather. I mean, looking at the sky and seeing how the weather is. That kind of fleeting moment is something I enjoy to do even if I don't like the outdoors very much. I love the trees and the animal kingdom, but I'm not the outdoor-sy type. I enjoy the indoors and solitude very much. With that said, I do feel kinda stuck here. I'm in a situation where I have to wait. I can make more effort and do more, but somehow I feel suffocated. Maybe I'm just lazy... But things are so trying sometimes. I wonder why I feel tired of everything and get annoyed at the most trivial of things? I was concerned recently because I don't want to go out of the house. I mean, go out to town and such. There was a time when I didn't even wan...

Tonight, I'm pretty drained. I feel like I could use a good cry. I haven't cried for release in a long time. There's too many thoughts in my mind that I couldn't properly think about all of them. Things happened today that made me so drained and bruised. I wouldn't say that I'm hurt, but it affected me so much that I'm so mentally disturbed right now. We got scolded again today for being late. I totally understand the reasoning behind it. It's pretty basic, being there early. What I don't understand is why I had to be dragged into it. I wished people could be more patient and not be angry. Especially now 'cause we're going to do umrah soon. And why do I have be seen like the person who don't know anything when I'm the one asking for the other person? And the other person looked at me smirking. I'm the one who's asking the question for the other person because the other person was too shy to ask it. Then why look at me ...

I've been thinking about this lately. Thinking about the things that I love very deeply... It would absolutely crush me to have it taken away. Please, do not ever go away. Please be here for always and never end. It would crush me. It would crush me. I would break. So please don't ever end. Don't ever leave us. Promise us this.

Tonight, I'm going to talk about something that happens to me sometimes that I have no explanation of. There are days when I can function normally, and there are days when I can't. These days, I can function somewhat normally, but I have some behavioral problems that is closely resembling the days when I can't really function normally. One of them is keeping clean. And by that, I mean showering and keeping my room tidy. On bad days, sometimes I won't shower (sometimes I do) and I won't go out (I always shower if I have to go out). I make sure to wash my face and hands, but I'm not showering as often as I should. My room has started to keep a mess. My leftover art supplies are still left laying on the floor. I'm really starting to hate it when I have to do chores. I like to do chores willingly, but sometimes when I am told to do something, I don't want to do and I have to force myself. I hate forcing myself but it had to happen like that. I real...

It's always moments like this when I feel like having a knife struck to my heart so that the sadness would go away. It's tiring to have to keep feeling like this because the sadness will never go away. It will never cease and it will continue so long as I am alive. My heart and body feels so weary from all this sadness. It comes and goes, but it will always return to stay for a while. Sometimes, it even feels like I'm used to it because of how often it comes. Though it might feel like that, it certainly isn't a good feeling. I don't anybody can handle this and me when I'm feeling like this. I can only do what I can and hope it passes because truthfully, it does. But when it come, it's like a storm coming upon me, an avalanche burying me, and wave of sea water drowning me. And sleep is one that I can do to keep me calm again.

I'm always wondering if these feelings and emotions come to me as a good thing or a bad thing. It always gets in the way. I always feel everything. This sensitivity and empathy is not good for me. It can drive me to the edge,and it has so many times before. I try to help it, tone it down, or fix it. But suppressing it just makes it worse. Letting it go or keeping it in, I still suffer it more or less the same way. What can I do to fix it? What can I do to cure it? Will it ever be helped? I am so sick of trying to pretend that everything is alright when I am an emotional wreck inside. The thing is, I hate it that I am an emotional wreck, most of the time. Trying to be strong or carry on is no help at all. I think I've just gotten more sensitive over time. Being unable to express myself makes it pretty difficult too.

I am usually silent. I don't give my reasons when people assume or accuse me of things. I don't even bother anymore because people will keep on finding ways to justify their accusations, even when I am telling the truth. I can tell them, but then our minds are not the same. So they will twist it according to their understanding and perception, and naturally they will disprove of my reasons. Calling it "invalid", "stupid", "lazy", and whatever it can be. I don't want to bother with people who will never understand me. It's not their fault anyway. They've been socialized to understand things as such. And I have been socialized to understand things my own way. Nobody is at fault. So I always remain silent. I do things my own way, because getting people to be considerate of other people is not what I aim to do with my life. And if they accuse me and assume things about me, without the effort to understand me, then so be it. I am w...

It's one of those days. The days when I feel so heavy and powerless Sometimes, I can't understand what's going on in my head. Is this a sickness? My heart aches and my limbs go numb. It spreads to the whole body and my chest tightens. What do I say? Who do I talk to? How can I fix it? I wonder why humans feel the way we do. Everyday, we are blessed to have everything that we have. I acknowledge that. I am thankful for even the clean water that I get to drink. But sometimes, I cannot leave the house, I cannot bring myself to rise from the bed, I can't bring myself to eat. I can't go to take a shower, I can't go outside mt room and see people because I don't want to read their faces. I refuse to have any connection with socialization because sometimes, I just can't take it all in anymore. There is a habit of mine when I just won't say anything about things, because what I say can be hurtful to people. I tend to be sarcastic and be very mean when...

This morning I have received one of the saddest news. On the 20th of July, Chester Bennington was found hanging. Can words ever give justice to how I feel? And many other people all over the world? The other day, it was Chris Cornell. And now Chester. It made me think that we don't know anything about anything at all. It scares me to think that how many people more would we hear news of that succumbed to this disease? I don't even know if I can take any more news similar to this. God, I'm in such a tangled state of mind. I don't even know how to express my grief properly. Who do I talk to? It's so vexing to think about how Chester have fought and struggled all these years and  this happened. I feel sad for him, for his family, for the band, for other people who have been influenced by Chester. The question of why and what if have been lingering for a while, but I decided that sometimes I don't need to know because sometimes, I myself don't want peopl...

I've had a pretty long week. So many things have happened in the last two weeks. I've started by industrial training last week. And I have some mixed feelings about it. As any anxious human being, I was really nervous the first day. I didn't know what was going to happen. I had little confidence about myself when it comes to industry. But it turns out that many people were as normal as I am. None were too confident or too knowledgeable to be there. We were all students just out into the real world, trying to learn and be useful. I tried to do more, be more active, ask questions, talk to people, have conversations and communicate so I could learn and stand out a little bit more. I tend to do this some times when I think that I am brave enough. Turns out, I was completely drained and exhausted at the end of the day. I slept so long that evening and woke up in the middle of the night. The thing is, I couldn't really fathom what brought me to such lengths of fatigue, at f...

People. Sometimes, my hatred to people become so great and it makes me lose my mind. But that's all right, because people are human beings. That term "human beings" indicates a characteristic of being flawed, prone to mistakes, and not perfect. I really do think that human beings are the most beautiful creations, but what they do pisses me off so much I feel like stabbing somebody. I'll express myself here because irl, I don't have anybody to talk to. You see, I am reminded that we can't always show how good we are to people because they will take advantage of you. most definitely. A human being with a corrupted heart some way, will always want to take advantage of you for their own personal gain. It's there. Trying to be good, is pretty hard nowadays. I can't be so good because people will walk all over me. They will take what they want from me and leave me dry. They'll leave me at the sidewalk and throw me away. They'll abandon me in th...

It's that time again. I'm getting those negative feelings again. I must be the evil one. I must be the bad one in the group, huh? Recently someone I know said that they have it hard because of their studies and she's all stressed out about it that she wants to die. To make matters worse. She's pregnant. Everyone else was so supportive, telling her that she'll be okay, telling her that she'll be able to get through it, telling her that she must be strong, don't be stressed because of the baby. Am I the only one annoyed? Then I must be the evil one. Why I say this? I think it's very irresponsible to say that while a baby is growing inside you. Or maybe I'm just not supportive of her. I mean, I get it. Believe me, I do. But we all warned you. And we all anticipated it. So we warned you. But no... people were so confident that people could go through something like that. Some people, yes. In different circumstances, yes. But a person who's ...

There are no classes today. I'm opting to stay inside all day. I was pretty wrecked last time. I felt like the world was ignoring me and I felt helpless. I couldn't rely on anyone but myself and God. I realized that I couldn't depend on people because they don't really care about you. They won't help you no matter what because they have their own lives. They won't realize that you're drowning and they won't come save you because it would ruin their schedule or they had better things to do that save you. It's really like that. But yesterday, I had some people helping me. And I'm thankful for that. I was bad because I was late, and I felt so awful because of it. I hate inconveniencing people, and if I do, it effects me more than it should. I'm talking about "I should be punished for this" kind of thinking. Even though it's kind of a small thing. I think, if I took my own life because of something like that, it would surely be ...

I'm writing this post because I have this feeling that I have been having lately. As I get older, I keep thinking about the future. I keep thinking, when will I ever have children and have this ideal family that I wanted? Will I ever have it? Because I really can't see it. And that kind of makes me sad. Lately, I've really been wanting to have a child. But that can never happen. Sometimes, I think if I am not getting married anytime soon, I would like to adopt a child by myself. It sounds pretty sad, like I don't have faith that I will get married. Let me assure you, I do. But this feeling of having a child is so strong. I do think that I will get married in the future, but we can't really know when. It might be next year, it might be in five years, it might be in twenty years. Who knows. But I really want a child. I want a child. I want children.. But I can't have it now. I don't think people around me knows the scale of this issue that I have. Well, I...

This is going to be pretty bad. I just needed an outlet. When I tell you not to do something with the stuff that I gave permission for you to borrow. You don't do it. Instead, somebody just freaking did it when I told them not to. And freaking laughed about it. What the heck. This is a pretty big deal because it's going to involve me. Why can't people just listen? I'm never going to trust anybody with anything because you don't fucking listen. Nobody listens because they are all self-entitled fucks with no care for other people heeds and warnings. I'll smack somebody if this happens again. I'll do it to you. Just have to rid of the negativity. I'm sorry. My vocab is pretty colourful right now. I wish I could just say it out.

I haven't been very well recently. Right now, I'm typing this entry in bed. I have gastric and stomach pains. It is not fun at all. I cannot eat anything at all. I do not have an appetite for anything. Even if I want to eat something, I just do not have the appetite for it. But I am not suppose to have an empty stomach, so it is not a very good feeling. I feel nauseous and my stomach hurts. Ah. I do complain a lot. But I realize this is one of those tests and hopefully it will make me stronger in the future. Really, I have never had this kind of stomach virus or gastritis or whatever it is to this degree. Sometimes I like being sick, because then I have an excuse to stay in bed all day and read my books under the covers. But I hope I get better soon because it really is painful. I am no masochist and therefore I do not enjoy pain.