Clean

Tonight, I'm going to talk about something that happens to me sometimes that I have no explanation of.

There are days when I can function normally, and there are days when I can't. These days, I can function somewhat normally, but I have some behavioral problems that is closely resembling the days when I can't really function normally.

One of them is keeping clean. And by that, I mean showering and keeping my room tidy. On bad days, sometimes I won't shower (sometimes I do) and I won't go out (I always shower if I have to go out). I make sure to wash my face and hands, but I'm not showering as often as I should.

My room has started to keep a mess. My leftover art supplies are still left laying on the floor.

I'm really starting to hate it when I have to do chores. I like to do chores willingly, but sometimes when I am told to do something, I don't want to do and I have to force myself. I hate forcing myself but it had to happen like that.

I realize that I can't really live normally. Having a 9 to 5 job, waking up in the morning to go to work... that stuff is quite dreadful to me. I like it when I get the tasks done, but the prospect of keeping a 9 to 5 office job is so normal that it almost feels like it's strangling me. I hate it and I have to get away from it. But how do I go on without such a job? Entrepreneurship and the creative job route is already out of the way because I'm not interested. And if my heart is not in it then why bother? I'd hate to force or lie to myself. So what do I do?

I'm starting to sound like a whiny brat. I guess I'm just not finding my calling in life. Maybe. Perhaps I'm just lacking motivation these days... Then I wonder, why am I being like this when I can't do normal stuff like society tells me to? I hate it. I hate it all.

Or perhaps I just have a lot of hate in me. Haha.

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