Deep In Earth

I've been thinking about this lately. Thinking about the things that I love very deeply... It would absolutely crush me to have it taken away. Please, do not ever go away. Please be here for always and never end. It would crush me. It would crush me. I would break. So please don't ever end. Don't ever leave us. Promise us this.

Tonight, I'm going to talk about something that happens to me sometimes that I have no explanation of. There are days when I can function normally, and there are days when I can't. These days, I can function somewhat normally, but I have some behavioral problems that is closely resembling the days when I can't really function normally. One of them is keeping clean. And by that, I mean showering and keeping my room tidy. On bad days, sometimes I won't shower (sometimes I do) and I won't go out (I always shower if I have to go out). I make sure to wash my face and hands, but I'm not showering as often as I should. My room has started to keep a mess. My leftover art supplies are still left laying on the floor. I'm really starting to hate it when I have to do chores. I like to do chores willingly, but sometimes when I am told to do something, I don't want to do and I have to force myself. I hate forcing myself but it had to happen like that. I real...

I've been spending a lot of time reminiscing about the past, and by that, I mean about Dir en Grey. Kyo's screams are the best then and now. I really miss the cute Kyo back when they first started. It baffles me how cute he was. Then when they went on Europe and American tours, things started to get pretty tough on them. Kyo turned to express himself more. I have to say, I don't miss the days when he self-harmed on stage. I'm glad those days are gone (almost...) but I do miss their intensity and the pain that I could hear in that voice. I could tell the frustrations that they were having, the pain and the difficulties, and it translated into a penetrating voice which Kyo would scream out to the audience. I think those times of trial and pain pushed them further with their performance, resulting in an emotional performance each time. I cherish those days but I'm sure as happy they are pass. I miss to hear the pain in that voice but I'm also glad the pain of tho...

It's always moments like this when I feel like having a knife struck to my heart so that the sadness would go away. It's tiring to have to keep feeling like this because the sadness will never go away. It will never cease and it will continue so long as I am alive. My heart and body feels so weary from all this sadness. It comes and goes, but it will always return to stay for a while. Sometimes, it even feels like I'm used to it because of how often it comes. Though it might feel like that, it certainly isn't a good feeling. I don't anybody can handle this and me when I'm feeling like this. I can only do what I can and hope it passes because truthfully, it does. But when it come, it's like a storm coming upon me, an avalanche burying me, and wave of sea water drowning me. And sleep is one that I can do to keep me calm again.