Deep In Earth

It's a tearful kind of night tonight. I've been spending the day playing computer games and watching Dir en Grey videos. Now I've got the "konpeki no umi". Then made a playlist of my melancholic songs that would suit my mood right now. Somehow got Zakuro into the list, played it, gave up in the first 10 seconds. No, I'm not ready for that. Got Jealous-reverse- and Kasumi, and somehow it's making me sadder. I didn't cry, but my eyes got watery. My heart feels weak and tired. I tried my best today, as well as these last couple of days. Maybe I should release it all now.

I have a lot of thoughts in my mind and a lot of things that I plan to do. I've got so much stuff that I want to do. But today, I'm just going to express a little opinion of mind. As a human being, I've always wanted to be a better person. I'm trying to be a better person in the direction to God. But sometimes, I'm not always a good person. As much as I try to be patient and positive, there's darkness in everybody and I have accepted that there is a darkness in me that perhaps won't go away as long as I live. All I can do is keep trying and be better, and look back on my actions and decide to stay away from anything that will cause me to be the person that I don't want to be. I also believe that anybody can change for the better. No matter what their past may be, there's always a potential of good in every single human being. I truly believe that. It is up to God to open their hearts and show them the way, and it's up to the person themselves...

When I'm listening to music, I take certain breaks at a time. I start to get an itch for something else and listen to that for a while, and then I get another itch and listen back to the band that I was listening to a couple of months ago. So I haven't been listening to MCR for quite some time, because I had the itch to listen to other music from other bands. So one day I was going out with my sisters when I hear the G note being played in the local radio station in the moving car. It became silent in the car for a while until the opening words came in.. "When I was, a young boy.." I gasped and turned to my sister on my left, and she began to sing; "..my father, took me into the city.." and I was like a mess inside. I proceeded to tell my sister about Gerard's comic and how it was being turned into a show on Netflix. I didn't realize that I missed the band so much, even though I did. I was silent and listening to the G note and the following pian...

Sometimes we do get these voices in our heads. But we just get on with our lives and it doesn't bother us anymore. It's gone like a fleeting moment. However, I'm surprised at myself. Since yesterday, I've been having these voices in my head, these intense, emotionally-charged and repeating voices that tells me bad stuff. I'm kind of scared actually. I mean, we read about these stuff, you know. Things about depression and mental illnesses. I'm kind of scared if this is what's happening to me. I wasn't so sure if I had these things before, since I wasn't so educated about it. But it's here now, and it's not going away. I think it happened because I went out with my friends last night and I was driving. I showed one of my acquaintance a side of me that I don't usually show to other people. And the things that I said.... I wish I hadn't said it. So that kind of played into me being so beat up about it. I beat myself up about it even tho...

I've been researching a lot about my empathy. I always regarded myself as an extremely introverted person but I found out that these things I am experiencing could mean something psychic. Now, I'm not saying that I am psychic, but I do believe that some people do have the gift of empowered intuition and senses. So I got into reading about these things and I came across a word called 'clairsentience'. Apparently, it means the ability to sense strongly the feelings and emotions of entities around them in the heart and body. This is very intriguing because I never regarded it as clairsentience before, but I do pick up the emotions and feelings of people a lot. That's why I hate going to crowded places or places where there are a lot of people. It exhausts me a lot and I tend to just look down and not mind other people around me. I haven't been going out a lot, just a few times because I was forced to, but I really didn't want to. Let me tell you a few incid...

It has come a time when I have been craving some company. I never thought I would thinking about it like I have recently. I have a confession to make. I've been feeling the need to have intimate human company. I wish to connect intellectually and emotionally with someone special. I don't have a significant other and I have been pretty alright without that need. But somehow, I've started craving for it. I guess it's a pretty normal human desire to want someone who would always be by your side and have your back no matter what. I'd like that a lot, now that I think about it seriously. I like the idea of a partner as home. Someone who feels like home. Wouldn't that be a nice thing to feel?

This month is a pretty nice month for me. The weather is great so far, and we've had some heavy rain for a few days so that was invigorating. Today, the weather is sunny. I like to talk about the weather because truthfully, I kinda enjoy the weather. I mean, looking at the sky and seeing how the weather is. That kind of fleeting moment is something I enjoy to do even if I don't like the outdoors very much. I love the trees and the animal kingdom, but I'm not the outdoor-sy type. I enjoy the indoors and solitude very much. With that said, I do feel kinda stuck here. I'm in a situation where I have to wait. I can make more effort and do more, but somehow I feel suffocated. Maybe I'm just lazy... But things are so trying sometimes. I wonder why I feel tired of everything and get annoyed at the most trivial of things? I was concerned recently because I don't want to go out of the house. I mean, go out to town and such. There was a time when I didn't even wan...

Tonight, I'm pretty drained. I feel like I could use a good cry. I haven't cried for release in a long time. There's too many thoughts in my mind that I couldn't properly think about all of them. Things happened today that made me so drained and bruised. I wouldn't say that I'm hurt, but it affected me so much that I'm so mentally disturbed right now. We got scolded again today for being late. I totally understand the reasoning behind it. It's pretty basic, being there early. What I don't understand is why I had to be dragged into it. I wished people could be more patient and not be angry. Especially now 'cause we're going to do umrah soon. And why do I have be seen like the person who don't know anything when I'm the one asking for the other person? And the other person looked at me smirking. I'm the one who's asking the question for the other person because the other person was too shy to ask it. Then why look at me ...