Angst

Tonight, I'm pretty drained.

I feel like I could use a good cry. I haven't cried for release in a long time. There's too many thoughts in my mind that I couldn't properly think about all of them.

Things happened today that made me so drained and bruised. I wouldn't say that I'm hurt, but it affected me so much that I'm so mentally disturbed right now.

We got scolded again today for being late. I totally understand the reasoning behind it. It's pretty basic, being there early. What I don't understand is why I had to be dragged into it. I wished people could be more patient and not be angry. Especially now 'cause we're going to do umrah soon.

And why do I have be seen like the person who don't know anything when I'm the one asking for the other person? And the other person looked at me smirking. I'm the one who's asking the question for the other person because the other person was too shy to ask it. Then why look at me like that? As if I'm the one not knowing and understanding anything. I've been paying attention properly...

Maybe it's because I haven't been meeting people a lot. I think I have severe avoidance for people. I hate crowds and I avoid large social meetings. I hate meeting people and making social interactions. I hate it a lot.I HATE IT. And I don't really know why. It's exhausting, draining, and toxic to me. It feels toxic and I hate it a lot. Perhaps, to be honest, I hate myself when I'm exposed to such situations. Like, how I act and respond, how I would think... It disgusts me a lot. I just hope that I won't have interactions with as little human beings as possible, particularly outside people.

I feel like crying.

Why do I feel like this over petty things? Has it been building up this much? Wasn't I happy?

These emotions are such heavy burdens. It's so heavy on me. And what can I do but to carry it with me?

Just my luck.

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