Deep In Earth

Can love and support really help to save someone from suicide? This year, there has been more news of suicides of our beloved artists. Who knows how much more of that of the ordinary people. So many people are giving their favourite artists their love and support, but I wonder if it will ever give the impact that was expected. I fear for that. Depression isn't as easy as feeling alone or sad all the time. The numbness cannot be cured simply through heartfelt words. But I do think that it is important to express the love and support, if it could help the victim to realize something, anything, of significance. Sometimes, it is not that the victims are drowning in loneliness, or they feel that they are unimportant, or they are unhappy. They do realize that they are much fortunate than others, and that they are important to their family and fans, but the numbness won't go away. It does for some, but for others, it seldom goes away, and sometimes not at all. Is it us? We a...

I've been thinking about this lately. Thinking about the things that I love very deeply... It would absolutely crush me to have it taken away. Please, do not ever go away. Please be here for always and never end. It would crush me. It would crush me. I would break. So please don't ever end. Don't ever leave us. Promise us this.

Tonight, I'm going to talk about something that happens to me sometimes that I have no explanation of. There are days when I can function normally, and there are days when I can't. These days, I can function somewhat normally, but I have some behavioral problems that is closely resembling the days when I can't really function normally. One of them is keeping clean. And by that, I mean showering and keeping my room tidy. On bad days, sometimes I won't shower (sometimes I do) and I won't go out (I always shower if I have to go out). I make sure to wash my face and hands, but I'm not showering as often as I should. My room has started to keep a mess. My leftover art supplies are still left laying on the floor. I'm really starting to hate it when I have to do chores. I like to do chores willingly, but sometimes when I am told to do something, I don't want to do and I have to force myself. I hate forcing myself but it had to happen like that. I real...

I've been spending a lot of time reminiscing about the past, and by that, I mean about Dir en Grey. Kyo's screams are the best then and now. I really miss the cute Kyo back when they first started. It baffles me how cute he was. Then when they went on Europe and American tours, things started to get pretty tough on them. Kyo turned to express himself more. I have to say, I don't miss the days when he self-harmed on stage. I'm glad those days are gone (almost...) but I do miss their intensity and the pain that I could hear in that voice. I could tell the frustrations that they were having, the pain and the difficulties, and it translated into a penetrating voice which Kyo would scream out to the audience. I think those times of trial and pain pushed them further with their performance, resulting in an emotional performance each time. I cherish those days but I'm sure as happy they are pass. I miss to hear the pain in that voice but I'm also glad the pain of tho...

It's always moments like this when I feel like having a knife struck to my heart so that the sadness would go away. It's tiring to have to keep feeling like this because the sadness will never go away. It will never cease and it will continue so long as I am alive. My heart and body feels so weary from all this sadness. It comes and goes, but it will always return to stay for a while. Sometimes, it even feels like I'm used to it because of how often it comes. Though it might feel like that, it certainly isn't a good feeling. I don't anybody can handle this and me when I'm feeling like this. I can only do what I can and hope it passes because truthfully, it does. But when it come, it's like a storm coming upon me, an avalanche burying me, and wave of sea water drowning me. And sleep is one that I can do to keep me calm again.

I listen to a lot of bands and sometimes I would take "hiatuses" with some bands. And that's pretty normal. Sometimes a band would get me interested but then I won't listen to them anymore. Sometimes I'd appreciate a band but don't really get into their music. Sometimes I'd listen to a band, leave them for a while as I listen to other bands, then get back to listening to them again. But sometimes, I'd stick with a band no matter what. No matter if I left them for a period to get my variety needs and listen to other bands, I would always go back to this band. This band who gets me. The music and the message that this band, Dir En Grey convey fit me well. In the past, I've listened to some bands thinking that 'this is it'. But I was totally wrong. When I got into Dir en Grey, I delved deeper into them, I realized that they are the only ones who get me, either musically for emotionally. Now, before anyone accuses me of being a pervert ...

I've almost lost it when I heard people talking about things they don't know. Or implying some sort of superiority over me. I was losing my patience. The other day, my friends were talking about how their education or degrees are higher than mine. I can see that because I study management while they study all these scientific degrees. They basically made me feel put down because they have suffered more in their education and their FYPs were so hard for them to do, due to it being scientific and the requirements were high. When I spoke, they just countered it by saying that their endeavors were harder. They made me feel like my education was useless because they were suffering more. It's like saying to a sad person not to feel sad because millions of people die every day and millions do no have the luxuries that I have today. I felt like they insulted my hard work, because I did work hard for my education. I tried to pass it over but I kept remembering it and it made me ...

I'm always wondering if these feelings and emotions come to me as a good thing or a bad thing. It always gets in the way. I always feel everything. This sensitivity and empathy is not good for me. It can drive me to the edge,and it has so many times before. I try to help it, tone it down, or fix it. But suppressing it just makes it worse. Letting it go or keeping it in, I still suffer it more or less the same way. What can I do to fix it? What can I do to cure it? Will it ever be helped? I am so sick of trying to pretend that everything is alright when I am an emotional wreck inside. The thing is, I hate it that I am an emotional wreck, most of the time. Trying to be strong or carry on is no help at all. I think I've just gotten more sensitive over time. Being unable to express myself makes it pretty difficult too.

I am usually silent. I don't give my reasons when people assume or accuse me of things. I don't even bother anymore because people will keep on finding ways to justify their accusations, even when I am telling the truth. I can tell them, but then our minds are not the same. So they will twist it according to their understanding and perception, and naturally they will disprove of my reasons. Calling it "invalid", "stupid", "lazy", and whatever it can be. I don't want to bother with people who will never understand me. It's not their fault anyway. They've been socialized to understand things as such. And I have been socialized to understand things my own way. Nobody is at fault. So I always remain silent. I do things my own way, because getting people to be considerate of other people is not what I aim to do with my life. And if they accuse me and assume things about me, without the effort to understand me, then so be it. I am w...

It feels so vexing, when a person such as myself, haven't been creative for a long time. I keep getting these urges to do creative things, such as writing, painting, playing music... But I couldn't really invest myself in those pursuits, just because I am busy doing other things such as my internship and housework. I feel sad and useless sometimes, when I can't release my want to be creative. And it's not anybody's fault really. It's me, because I couldn't really get so much stuff done in one day. However, this gets to me so much, more than it needs to because nowadays, I am doing pointless things that don't even mean anything to me. I'm talking about office work. It's fun to do sometimes and I am enjoying it. But to an extent, I feel like it's pointless. I'm not alive so I can do those pointless stuff. I feel like I am wasting time away by doing all these insignificant things, while I could be doing real meaningful stuff to me, lik...

It's one of those days. The days when I feel so heavy and powerless Sometimes, I can't understand what's going on in my head. Is this a sickness? My heart aches and my limbs go numb. It spreads to the whole body and my chest tightens. What do I say? Who do I talk to? How can I fix it? I wonder why humans feel the way we do. Everyday, we are blessed to have everything that we have. I acknowledge that. I am thankful for even the clean water that I get to drink. But sometimes, I cannot leave the house, I cannot bring myself to rise from the bed, I can't bring myself to eat. I can't go to take a shower, I can't go outside mt room and see people because I don't want to read their faces. I refuse to have any connection with socialization because sometimes, I just can't take it all in anymore. There is a habit of mine when I just won't say anything about things, because what I say can be hurtful to people. I tend to be sarcastic and be very mean when...

This morning I have received one of the saddest news. On the 20th of July, Chester Bennington was found hanging. Can words ever give justice to how I feel? And many other people all over the world? The other day, it was Chris Cornell. And now Chester. It made me think that we don't know anything about anything at all. It scares me to think that how many people more would we hear news of that succumbed to this disease? I don't even know if I can take any more news similar to this. God, I'm in such a tangled state of mind. I don't even know how to express my grief properly. Who do I talk to? It's so vexing to think about how Chester have fought and struggled all these years and  this happened. I feel sad for him, for his family, for the band, for other people who have been influenced by Chester. The question of why and what if have been lingering for a while, but I decided that sometimes I don't need to know because sometimes, I myself don't want peopl...

It's my birthday. I've always wanted  a quiet birthday. I'd really like to have a peaceful birthday, like waking up in the crisp morning when the birds starts chirping and the world is covered in dew. I'd have a simple breakfast because that is how I like it. Something like French Toast or grilled cheese with tomatoes. I'd have some nice, hot green tea and eat in my bed. Watching my favourite videos. Everybody would be peaceful and there would be no noise. Just me. And my favourite things. I think that would be very nice. I've been pretty upset lately. I think it was just me getting over the edge after keeping it in for so long. It's times like these when I tend to think that I am just not built or fully equipped to face all that in this world. But I know that I am very lucky to be alive and well. I am very lucky to be physically able and healthy. Even if my head isn't very healthy sometimes. I have to work on that and I know God will always sus...

Hey. I feel a need to express how much I love this person named Sid Wilson. When I first got into Slipknot, I didn't want to be hyped up because everyone else was so into them. So being the person I am, I don't want to like what everyone else liked. I don't know why, it just seemed really repelling to be with the trends. I don't know, that's just me. I was already very fond of this dude named Sid who stage dives and jumps off of high places. His parts in the music and how he performs them on stage was very cool to me too. I thought that his mask looked the coolest, plus the fact that I really have a fascination with gas masks. But I was like, "Hold up... I won't get into it..." But as time goes by, I just have to accept it at this point. I can't deny it any longer, you know? To be honest, I am not really interested in his hip hop or jungle music. It's not the kind of music that I am into. I just can't get into it. But Sid as a person, t...

I've had a pretty long week. So many things have happened in the last two weeks. I've started by industrial training last week. And I have some mixed feelings about it. As any anxious human being, I was really nervous the first day. I didn't know what was going to happen. I had little confidence about myself when it comes to industry. But it turns out that many people were as normal as I am. None were too confident or too knowledgeable to be there. We were all students just out into the real world, trying to learn and be useful. I tried to do more, be more active, ask questions, talk to people, have conversations and communicate so I could learn and stand out a little bit more. I tend to do this some times when I think that I am brave enough. Turns out, I was completely drained and exhausted at the end of the day. I slept so long that evening and woke up in the middle of the night. The thing is, I couldn't really fathom what brought me to such lengths of fatigue, at f...

I've been watching videos about Speakers Corner that takes place in Hyde Park in London. It's amazing to see how our muslim brothers and sister and spreading dawah and truth. But of course, there are people who refuse the truth. I see many people who are genuine and want to seek knowledge. They want to know what Islam is. It's unfortunate how many violent things are happening in the world like Palestine and Syria, Iraq and Libya. Sometimes people are just evil and they will do bad things regardless of their religion or background. But I am not here to defend the acts of violence. I am here to talk about how these people are spreading dakwah. It brings confidence and happiness to me when I see how the dakwah is spreading. I saw many instances of how the muslims challenges the Bible and vice versa. I can confidently say that I have seen a lot of sense in the muslim brothers. I do acknowledge that sometimes, they talk harshly and very straightforwardly, but that is because I...

I am a product for the music I listen to. Music helped me a lot in those times when I can't express myself. Music is a part of me and no one can change that fact. Growing up in the 90s and 2000s has really exposed me to an amazing array of punk rock bands that I love and had shaped me to be who I am today. As you can guess, I love punk rock. Those bands mean a lot to me, those songs resonates as part of my childhood that people don't even know. Punk rock has a tendency to address issues that people don't see, or people don't concern, but important nonetheless. I love punk rock and punk rock is me.

I've been into goth, post punk, cold wave, slow wave, and all the genres related. I found this gem a while ago. I found it again when I went on a tumblr blog. It played this song, and I have to say, i remembered it and decided to invest myself in it. Cigarettes After Sex is a good band name. It's catchy and attractive. But I'd like to highlight their music. It appears to be ambient pop, dream pop, slow wave, other pop, or something like that. For me, I don't really like anything pop, except maybe Lana Del Rey. Maybe I'd like something, but I won't get in to deep or it doesn't catch on with me. It's very likely I'll ignore it quickly. But this song really got me invested. It's a cover from REO Speedwagon. To describe this song..... It's perfect for night-time music listening. It goes deep in the stomach and goes deep in the heart. It resonates in my head and it's emotionally triggering. I'd like to slow dance in this song. I might be...

People. Sometimes, my hatred to people become so great and it makes me lose my mind. But that's all right, because people are human beings. That term "human beings" indicates a characteristic of being flawed, prone to mistakes, and not perfect. I really do think that human beings are the most beautiful creations, but what they do pisses me off so much I feel like stabbing somebody. I'll express myself here because irl, I don't have anybody to talk to. You see, I am reminded that we can't always show how good we are to people because they will take advantage of you. most definitely. A human being with a corrupted heart some way, will always want to take advantage of you for their own personal gain. It's there. Trying to be good, is pretty hard nowadays. I can't be so good because people will walk all over me. They will take what they want from me and leave me dry. They'll leave me at the sidewalk and throw me away. They'll abandon me in th...

It's that time again. I'm getting those negative feelings again. I must be the evil one. I must be the bad one in the group, huh? Recently someone I know said that they have it hard because of their studies and she's all stressed out about it that she wants to die. To make matters worse. She's pregnant. Everyone else was so supportive, telling her that she'll be okay, telling her that she'll be able to get through it, telling her that she must be strong, don't be stressed because of the baby. Am I the only one annoyed? Then I must be the evil one. Why I say this? I think it's very irresponsible to say that while a baby is growing inside you. Or maybe I'm just not supportive of her. I mean, I get it. Believe me, I do. But we all warned you. And we all anticipated it. So we warned you. But no... people were so confident that people could go through something like that. Some people, yes. In different circumstances, yes. But a person who's ...

Today, I wanted to talk about this experience of mine, just to get it off my chest. I used to talk about scientific or unexplained discoveries to my friends. I just love telling them these stuff, discussing it with them. Talking about Einstein, theories, possibilities.... It's so fun. However, some actually taught that I was close to blasphemy. I told them about the string theory and they couldn't except it. Well, it's granted that some people wouldn't accept the idea of multiverses and the idea of string theory. I totally understand. But what those people do not understand, is that I am not trying to make it seem like I do not believe in the day of Judgment where all human beings will be judged for their actions. I'm just considering the idea that other life forms could exist out there. In Islam, we believe that there are other creations apart from human beings, and there is no definite saying of what kind of creatures are there. There is a definite possibility t...

Science and physics are subjects that I have always liked. However, at school, I didn't really fully grasp it. Meaning to say, I wasn't a very good student at it. Which makes me really wonder. Why didn't I understand things like chemistry better, when fundamentally, it really fascinated me? I guess I wasn't that hardworking enough on it. I love to watch videos about scientific discoveries and astronomy. It's so fun and fascinating. I learned a lot in those videos than what some teachers taught me. Now, I don't know a lot. I can't really claim to be so knowledgeable than my teachers, because that could be impossible. I've just known so much about astrophysics and it is so interesting. All these theories like the black holes, string theory, Higgs Boson particles... multiple dimensions... It's all so amazing to me. Watching the sky, the stars, the moon, and nature really made me think about the powers of the Almighty. Everything is so perfect and so...

There are no classes today. I'm opting to stay inside all day. I was pretty wrecked last time. I felt like the world was ignoring me and I felt helpless. I couldn't rely on anyone but myself and God. I realized that I couldn't depend on people because they don't really care about you. They won't help you no matter what because they have their own lives. They won't realize that you're drowning and they won't come save you because it would ruin their schedule or they had better things to do that save you. It's really like that. But yesterday, I had some people helping me. And I'm thankful for that. I was bad because I was late, and I felt so awful because of it. I hate inconveniencing people, and if I do, it effects me more than it should. I'm talking about "I should be punished for this" kind of thinking. Even though it's kind of a small thing. I think, if I took my own life because of something like that, it would surely be ...

It's Sunday today. And I'm not doing too good. I've started to do my final year project seriously but it seems like I've had some pretty tall brick walls to scale. It's pretty bad. I called my dad and he told me I should have done something sooner. Well, he's right. I've did bad. It was my fault for delaying things. I didn't have enough courage to even talk to strangers. I didn't have the confidence. I remember I was so scared and anxious. Just thinking about it made me nervous. And that has costs me so much these past few weeks. All because of my anxiety. It's really hard on me now. I don't what else I can do. I just hope the other people can help me out. I won't give up. I'll think of something. I'm trying to be optimistic because if I let it consume me, I'll get all depressed again and that is not what I need right now. If it gets to that I won't be able to do anything. I'm struggling to keep the darkness away...

It's night time. This past few days, I've been brooding about a lot of things. Some sad things, some sweet things, and some exciting things. It inspired me to write some new posts, but life got ahead of me and I didn't write anything. Tonight, I decided to spend some time to update the blog and post some stuff. I have a Skype call interview tomorrow afternoon. I was extremely nervous because the recipient was someone I never seen or talked to before. Then I read that it's better to just audio call somebody for Skype interviews, so that helped with my anxiety a bit. Since I couldn't see the person, and the person couldn't see me, I feel a little bit better. My daily routine consists of me watching Youtube videos. Just now, I watched a chocolate cake and cheesecake souffle tutorial. The recipe was so simple even I felt like I could do it. It make me feel like, I want to bake a cake right now. But I'll save it for when Eid comes around. I'll bake those ...

Decided to just post about this. I've been having some real unhealthy thoughts. Exhaustive, toxic kind of thoughts. They consist of rationalizing the life of many other people who have it so good and so much better than mine. Yes, I know, I mustn't compare myself with others. I know all that counseling stuff. But, I'm going to express my feelings here because writing it is the best way I know of. I kept thinking, why do they get to be so happy and have such a perfect life? Why do I feel sad even though I try so hard? Did they really do good and deserve all that perfection? Am I really that sinful and dirty that I have to feel all this? Why am I always being tested? For the record, I am not such a patient person, but I always try to be. Sometimes, it's just so hard. Then I remember that God always tests his favourite people so that they can become better. The most tested people were the Prophets and they made it through with Allah's grace. Human beings will kee...

I felt like writing today's post because I felt a little sad. I started to listen to queen Lana Del Rey and her songs bring me to places. It's mid-term break right now. I am back home on my comfy bed. I wish I could be alone, but I'm not. I've got exams coming up after this week is over. So I brought my note book for mind maps. Haven't done a thing though. Last Saturday, as soon as I got home, my sister told me about this novel she found amidst her junk and she said it was given to her by a taxi driver who claimed that her daughter wrote the novel. So it really made me intrigued, jealous even. How on earth do people get their works published? Do they just accept any manuscript that go their way? Do they reject most manuscript that goes their way? What criteria do they want in order have it published? I've been having this little dream about publishing books since long ago. Never though it would happen though... There's a possibility... but I can't...

I'm writing this post because I have this feeling that I have been having lately. As I get older, I keep thinking about the future. I keep thinking, when will I ever have children and have this ideal family that I wanted? Will I ever have it? Because I really can't see it. And that kind of makes me sad. Lately, I've really been wanting to have a child. But that can never happen. Sometimes, I think if I am not getting married anytime soon, I would like to adopt a child by myself. It sounds pretty sad, like I don't have faith that I will get married. Let me assure you, I do. But this feeling of having a child is so strong. I do think that I will get married in the future, but we can't really know when. It might be next year, it might be in five years, it might be in twenty years. Who knows. But I really want a child. I want a child. I want children.. But I can't have it now. I don't think people around me knows the scale of this issue that I have. Well, I...

It's the fifth week in this semester. I've had a lot of things happen since the last time I made a post. I've had some surreal dreams and they were pretty weird. I'm sure I've written a word document about some of it. These dreams are pretty vivid. They look like movies with dramatic story lines. So, I like to write them down because they have some pretty nice plot. Don't know how my brain come up with them though. I think that's pretty fascinating. My final year project isn't going anywhere right now. It's been stagnant. I am trying to get my supervisor to look over my interview questions before I can get his approval and proceed to interview my informants. I also have some assignments coming up. This week in HRIS, we were thought how to make a database in M.Access. Darn.. I couldn't understand it. It's times like this when I feel pretty helpless and useless. I get the notion that if I cannot even get myself to understand or be useful with...

I am back in university. I am writing this in my dorm room on my bed. This time I got a triple room and since I am the last one to register, I got the top bunk. Last time, I would be devastated, but this time, I'm pretty chill about it. I began thinking that this will be the last semester, so it shouldn't really matter. Time will pass by and before I know it, everything will be over. It's a pretty hot night here. I have barely any room for myself this time, but right now, I am alone in this room. I feel like I am fortunate because I get ample time for myself in solitude. Just enough to fill me up. So, I've been having these thoughts lately. I am already reaching 24 years old this year. I keep thinking about when my dad was 25 years old, he already had a job, a house, a car, a wife, and a child. While I'm over here, still struggling to finish my degree, stressing out over people and little things. I find times are changing so rapidly, I couldn't keep up. I...

I'll be having my final exam paper the day after tomorrow. I've got most of the packing done, I'll continue today and continue with my final year project. For the past few days, I have been brooding a lot. These thoughts just come so suddenly and it affects me more than it should. I got a case of over-thinking going on. Yesterday, I was thinking about why things was like this. I suddenly wanted to hear a live performance of Hurt by NIN. They are awesome by the way. Trent is really talented. I listened to Johnny Cash's version. It remined me of how June Cash died in May 2003 and Johnny followed 4 months later in September 2003. It reminded me about how all our loved ones will be gone one day, just like that. They might grow old and they will pass on. Thinking about all this, how all my favourite people could just leave this world, while I'm still here, made me feel very sad. Last year, Frankie and the boys got hit by a bus. Things could have easily gotten devas...