It's Making Me Angry
I've had a pretty long week. So many things have happened in the last two weeks. I've started by industrial training last week. And I have some mixed feelings about it.
As any anxious human being, I was really nervous the first day. I didn't know what was going to happen. I had little confidence about myself when it comes to industry. But it turns out that many people were as normal as I am. None were too confident or too knowledgeable to be there. We were all students just out into the real world, trying to learn and be useful. I tried to do more, be more active, ask questions, talk to people, have conversations and communicate so I could learn and stand out a little bit more. I tend to do this some times when I think that I am brave enough. Turns out, I was completely drained and exhausted at the end of the day. I slept so long that evening and woke up in the middle of the night. The thing is, I couldn't really fathom what brought me to such lengths of fatigue, at first. Then I figured that it was because of all the social interactions I did. I think that it's because I'm an introvert, and these activities take a lot out of me. I basically pushed myself to be more social than I really am. And mind you, I just talked and had conversations with people. I asked a few questions, smiled and that's it. No hard work, no dancing, no going out of my way to embarrass myself. But it drained me and I was out.
The rest of the week went well, until I finally met my supervisor. I observed these people working and I don't think I can fit in. I was starting to like it there, but then I started to doubt myself when I see these people working. The one thing that people can personally do against me that can crush me is high expectations. I hate expectations. And these people sure do have expectations to the "chosen people" like us. I am very grateful of the opportunity to be there because it truly is an honour. I'd love to be able to work there some day. But I'm not feeling confident about myself and I can only pray and hope that I would fulfill their expectations and perform competently.
Now I have started being negative again. I start thinking that people are really mean and inconsiderate and it reminded me of my hate for people. Well, sometimes, it happens. Not a lot can relate to this hatred for human. But so many things are happening and it affects me so much. I didn't want it to, but I guess I am just wired this way. I guess God just made me all nerves and emotions with little muscle and grit. I am a ball of sensitivity and emotions. Things get to me all the time and it hurts. It's making me angry because it hurts. I've been having these bad thoughts again, it's become a disease. And I can only try and hope for it to go away.
As any anxious human being, I was really nervous the first day. I didn't know what was going to happen. I had little confidence about myself when it comes to industry. But it turns out that many people were as normal as I am. None were too confident or too knowledgeable to be there. We were all students just out into the real world, trying to learn and be useful. I tried to do more, be more active, ask questions, talk to people, have conversations and communicate so I could learn and stand out a little bit more. I tend to do this some times when I think that I am brave enough. Turns out, I was completely drained and exhausted at the end of the day. I slept so long that evening and woke up in the middle of the night. The thing is, I couldn't really fathom what brought me to such lengths of fatigue, at first. Then I figured that it was because of all the social interactions I did. I think that it's because I'm an introvert, and these activities take a lot out of me. I basically pushed myself to be more social than I really am. And mind you, I just talked and had conversations with people. I asked a few questions, smiled and that's it. No hard work, no dancing, no going out of my way to embarrass myself. But it drained me and I was out.
The rest of the week went well, until I finally met my supervisor. I observed these people working and I don't think I can fit in. I was starting to like it there, but then I started to doubt myself when I see these people working. The one thing that people can personally do against me that can crush me is high expectations. I hate expectations. And these people sure do have expectations to the "chosen people" like us. I am very grateful of the opportunity to be there because it truly is an honour. I'd love to be able to work there some day. But I'm not feeling confident about myself and I can only pray and hope that I would fulfill their expectations and perform competently.
Now I have started being negative again. I start thinking that people are really mean and inconsiderate and it reminded me of my hate for people. Well, sometimes, it happens. Not a lot can relate to this hatred for human. But so many things are happening and it affects me so much. I didn't want it to, but I guess I am just wired this way. I guess God just made me all nerves and emotions with little muscle and grit. I am a ball of sensitivity and emotions. Things get to me all the time and it hurts. It's making me angry because it hurts. I've been having these bad thoughts again, it's become a disease. And I can only try and hope for it to go away.
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