Deep In Earth

I'm having a blast listening to Diru tonight. I'm reminded time and time again how amazing this band is. The whole band. The members are close to being miracles on earth for their amazing abilities and creativity. It blows my mind away. And one of the reasons why they are so awesome and precious is the way they are able to express their emotions and feelings through their songs. A guitar phrase, a drum phrase, a bass phrase, a vocal phrase, all these phrases that all these instruments make just somehow create such a sound and emotion that picks at my heart-strings. I started my playlist with Kasumi and now the blues have surfaced. By the time I got to Ranunculus, my tears just flowed out without me having to try. It's that kind of night again. Which is why I am listening to Dir en Grey.

These past few days have been pretty colourful. I started a new job as this year started and now it's the third month. As I go to work, I'm pretty cheerful because I've made good friends already at the workplace. When I come home, I'm happy as I get to rest and play games. However, the days at home were spent with much gloominess. The black thoughts have started to come back, and my heart feels tight. My wrist feels light and my muscles feel heavy. Dark thoughts are here, and I'm trying to ignore them. News that touch the heart or emotional news break my stoic front and tears began to flow. My chest hurts and my mind is filled with so much gloom. It is hormones again? I feel sad that the people I love are hurting when all I want for them is to be happy. I feel sad when people are evil to each other in the news because human beings deserve to be treated with respect and mercy. I feel sad when people ignore the genocide of fellow human beings in war-bound countrie...

It's a tearful kind of night tonight. I've been spending the day playing computer games and watching Dir en Grey videos. Now I've got the "konpeki no umi". Then made a playlist of my melancholic songs that would suit my mood right now. Somehow got Zakuro into the list, played it, gave up in the first 10 seconds. No, I'm not ready for that. Got Jealous-reverse- and Kasumi, and somehow it's making me sadder. I didn't cry, but my eyes got watery. My heart feels weak and tired. I tried my best today, as well as these last couple of days. Maybe I should release it all now.

When I'm listening to music, I take certain breaks at a time. I start to get an itch for something else and listen to that for a while, and then I get another itch and listen back to the band that I was listening to a couple of months ago. So I haven't been listening to MCR for quite some time, because I had the itch to listen to other music from other bands. So one day I was going out with my sisters when I hear the G note being played in the local radio station in the moving car. It became silent in the car for a while until the opening words came in.. "When I was, a young boy.." I gasped and turned to my sister on my left, and she began to sing; "..my father, took me into the city.." and I was like a mess inside. I proceeded to tell my sister about Gerard's comic and how it was being turned into a show on Netflix. I didn't realize that I missed the band so much, even though I did. I was silent and listening to the G note and the following pian...

Sometimes we do get these voices in our heads. But we just get on with our lives and it doesn't bother us anymore. It's gone like a fleeting moment. However, I'm surprised at myself. Since yesterday, I've been having these voices in my head, these intense, emotionally-charged and repeating voices that tells me bad stuff. I'm kind of scared actually. I mean, we read about these stuff, you know. Things about depression and mental illnesses. I'm kind of scared if this is what's happening to me. I wasn't so sure if I had these things before, since I wasn't so educated about it. But it's here now, and it's not going away. I think it happened because I went out with my friends last night and I was driving. I showed one of my acquaintance a side of me that I don't usually show to other people. And the things that I said.... I wish I hadn't said it. So that kind of played into me being so beat up about it. I beat myself up about it even tho...

This month is a pretty nice month for me. The weather is great so far, and we've had some heavy rain for a few days so that was invigorating. Today, the weather is sunny. I like to talk about the weather because truthfully, I kinda enjoy the weather. I mean, looking at the sky and seeing how the weather is. That kind of fleeting moment is something I enjoy to do even if I don't like the outdoors very much. I love the trees and the animal kingdom, but I'm not the outdoor-sy type. I enjoy the indoors and solitude very much. With that said, I do feel kinda stuck here. I'm in a situation where I have to wait. I can make more effort and do more, but somehow I feel suffocated. Maybe I'm just lazy... But things are so trying sometimes. I wonder why I feel tired of everything and get annoyed at the most trivial of things? I was concerned recently because I don't want to go out of the house. I mean, go out to town and such. There was a time when I didn't even wan...

Can love and support really help to save someone from suicide? This year, there has been more news of suicides of our beloved artists. Who knows how much more of that of the ordinary people. So many people are giving their favourite artists their love and support, but I wonder if it will ever give the impact that was expected. I fear for that. Depression isn't as easy as feeling alone or sad all the time. The numbness cannot be cured simply through heartfelt words. But I do think that it is important to express the love and support, if it could help the victim to realize something, anything, of significance. Sometimes, it is not that the victims are drowning in loneliness, or they feel that they are unimportant, or they are unhappy. They do realize that they are much fortunate than others, and that they are important to their family and fans, but the numbness won't go away. It does for some, but for others, it seldom goes away, and sometimes not at all. Is it us? We a...

I've been thinking about this lately. Thinking about the things that I love very deeply... It would absolutely crush me to have it taken away. Please, do not ever go away. Please be here for always and never end. It would crush me. It would crush me. I would break. So please don't ever end. Don't ever leave us. Promise us this.

It's always moments like this when I feel like having a knife struck to my heart so that the sadness would go away. It's tiring to have to keep feeling like this because the sadness will never go away. It will never cease and it will continue so long as I am alive. My heart and body feels so weary from all this sadness. It comes and goes, but it will always return to stay for a while. Sometimes, it even feels like I'm used to it because of how often it comes. Though it might feel like that, it certainly isn't a good feeling. I don't anybody can handle this and me when I'm feeling like this. I can only do what I can and hope it passes because truthfully, it does. But when it come, it's like a storm coming upon me, an avalanche burying me, and wave of sea water drowning me. And sleep is one that I can do to keep me calm again.

I've almost lost it when I heard people talking about things they don't know. Or implying some sort of superiority over me. I was losing my patience. The other day, my friends were talking about how their education or degrees are higher than mine. I can see that because I study management while they study all these scientific degrees. They basically made me feel put down because they have suffered more in their education and their FYPs were so hard for them to do, due to it being scientific and the requirements were high. When I spoke, they just countered it by saying that their endeavors were harder. They made me feel like my education was useless because they were suffering more. It's like saying to a sad person not to feel sad because millions of people die every day and millions do no have the luxuries that I have today. I felt like they insulted my hard work, because I did work hard for my education. I tried to pass it over but I kept remembering it and it made me ...

I'm always wondering if these feelings and emotions come to me as a good thing or a bad thing. It always gets in the way. I always feel everything. This sensitivity and empathy is not good for me. It can drive me to the edge,and it has so many times before. I try to help it, tone it down, or fix it. But suppressing it just makes it worse. Letting it go or keeping it in, I still suffer it more or less the same way. What can I do to fix it? What can I do to cure it? Will it ever be helped? I am so sick of trying to pretend that everything is alright when I am an emotional wreck inside. The thing is, I hate it that I am an emotional wreck, most of the time. Trying to be strong or carry on is no help at all. I think I've just gotten more sensitive over time. Being unable to express myself makes it pretty difficult too.

It's one of those days. The days when I feel so heavy and powerless Sometimes, I can't understand what's going on in my head. Is this a sickness? My heart aches and my limbs go numb. It spreads to the whole body and my chest tightens. What do I say? Who do I talk to? How can I fix it? I wonder why humans feel the way we do. Everyday, we are blessed to have everything that we have. I acknowledge that. I am thankful for even the clean water that I get to drink. But sometimes, I cannot leave the house, I cannot bring myself to rise from the bed, I can't bring myself to eat. I can't go to take a shower, I can't go outside mt room and see people because I don't want to read their faces. I refuse to have any connection with socialization because sometimes, I just can't take it all in anymore. There is a habit of mine when I just won't say anything about things, because what I say can be hurtful to people. I tend to be sarcastic and be very mean when...

This morning I have received one of the saddest news. On the 20th of July, Chester Bennington was found hanging. Can words ever give justice to how I feel? And many other people all over the world? The other day, it was Chris Cornell. And now Chester. It made me think that we don't know anything about anything at all. It scares me to think that how many people more would we hear news of that succumbed to this disease? I don't even know if I can take any more news similar to this. God, I'm in such a tangled state of mind. I don't even know how to express my grief properly. Who do I talk to? It's so vexing to think about how Chester have fought and struggled all these years and  this happened. I feel sad for him, for his family, for the band, for other people who have been influenced by Chester. The question of why and what if have been lingering for a while, but I decided that sometimes I don't need to know because sometimes, I myself don't want peopl...

I've been into goth, post punk, cold wave, slow wave, and all the genres related. I found this gem a while ago. I found it again when I went on a tumblr blog. It played this song, and I have to say, i remembered it and decided to invest myself in it. Cigarettes After Sex is a good band name. It's catchy and attractive. But I'd like to highlight their music. It appears to be ambient pop, dream pop, slow wave, other pop, or something like that. For me, I don't really like anything pop, except maybe Lana Del Rey. Maybe I'd like something, but I won't get in to deep or it doesn't catch on with me. It's very likely I'll ignore it quickly. But this song really got me invested. It's a cover from REO Speedwagon. To describe this song..... It's perfect for night-time music listening. It goes deep in the stomach and goes deep in the heart. It resonates in my head and it's emotionally triggering. I'd like to slow dance in this song. I might be...

People. Sometimes, my hatred to people become so great and it makes me lose my mind. But that's all right, because people are human beings. That term "human beings" indicates a characteristic of being flawed, prone to mistakes, and not perfect. I really do think that human beings are the most beautiful creations, but what they do pisses me off so much I feel like stabbing somebody. I'll express myself here because irl, I don't have anybody to talk to. You see, I am reminded that we can't always show how good we are to people because they will take advantage of you. most definitely. A human being with a corrupted heart some way, will always want to take advantage of you for their own personal gain. It's there. Trying to be good, is pretty hard nowadays. I can't be so good because people will walk all over me. They will take what they want from me and leave me dry. They'll leave me at the sidewalk and throw me away. They'll abandon me in th...

Decided to just post about this. I've been having some real unhealthy thoughts. Exhaustive, toxic kind of thoughts. They consist of rationalizing the life of many other people who have it so good and so much better than mine. Yes, I know, I mustn't compare myself with others. I know all that counseling stuff. But, I'm going to express my feelings here because writing it is the best way I know of. I kept thinking, why do they get to be so happy and have such a perfect life? Why do I feel sad even though I try so hard? Did they really do good and deserve all that perfection? Am I really that sinful and dirty that I have to feel all this? Why am I always being tested? For the record, I am not such a patient person, but I always try to be. Sometimes, it's just so hard. Then I remember that God always tests his favourite people so that they can become better. The most tested people were the Prophets and they made it through with Allah's grace. Human beings will kee...