Stuck
This month is a pretty nice month for me. The weather is great so far, and we've had some heavy rain for a few days so that was invigorating. Today, the weather is sunny.
I like to talk about the weather because truthfully, I kinda enjoy the weather. I mean, looking at the sky and seeing how the weather is. That kind of fleeting moment is something I enjoy to do even if I don't like the outdoors very much. I love the trees and the animal kingdom, but I'm not the outdoor-sy type. I enjoy the indoors and solitude very much.
With that said, I do feel kinda stuck here. I'm in a situation where I have to wait. I can make more effort and do more, but somehow I feel suffocated. Maybe I'm just lazy... But things are so trying sometimes. I wonder why I feel tired of everything and get annoyed at the most trivial of things? I was concerned recently because I don't want to go out of the house. I mean, go out to town and such. There was a time when I didn't even want to go out to hang laundry. I didn't even want to step out to the back yard. There was also a time when I didn't want to go out of my room. I didn't eat, didn't shower... But I had to eat and go to the bathroom of course, because I if I didn't fill my stomach I would suffer gastric. So I tried to eat something, something I had laying around like snacks.
It was pretty bad and it was within this month. I was concerned for myself because I know it was real. It's not in my head. Went online to find out about it and I think I have agoraphobia. I'm just reading the symptoms and taking online tests through the internet, so who knows if that's true. But I'm just learning. I also have this pressure to get a job as soon as I can, because I'm in my 5th month of not working. I want to get a job but most jobs require 1-2 years of experience in the industry or something like it. So I'm trying to find entry-level jobs that would take fresh graduates in my town. There's this job that I really want I prayed so much so that I would get it... Tawakkal. I'll continue praying and leave it all to God.
Recently, my friends have moved on in their life too. They're married and having kids, while I'm here just... being introverted. I feel kinda stuck and lost too. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough but this anxiety really weighs in on me... It really is a crippling anxiety. Can anxiety be an excuse to this? It sounds like an excuse but what can I do to overcome it? It feels like a wall or impenetrable fog that lets me see the opportunities and the outside but I just can't get through. That's why I feel stuck.
I've also started to crave personal company. Don't know how I'll get there, but that feeling is definitely there. I think it's nice to have someone by my side who won't judge me and always have my back. Thinking about it is kinds toxic to me, but if I don't think about it then I can't take action now, can I? To be honest, there's too much going on and too much to consider, too much to think about and too much to grasp, that I'm just overwhelmed and don't know what to do. I should take it step by step and slowly, I know I'll get there.
I like to talk about the weather because truthfully, I kinda enjoy the weather. I mean, looking at the sky and seeing how the weather is. That kind of fleeting moment is something I enjoy to do even if I don't like the outdoors very much. I love the trees and the animal kingdom, but I'm not the outdoor-sy type. I enjoy the indoors and solitude very much.
With that said, I do feel kinda stuck here. I'm in a situation where I have to wait. I can make more effort and do more, but somehow I feel suffocated. Maybe I'm just lazy... But things are so trying sometimes. I wonder why I feel tired of everything and get annoyed at the most trivial of things? I was concerned recently because I don't want to go out of the house. I mean, go out to town and such. There was a time when I didn't even want to go out to hang laundry. I didn't even want to step out to the back yard. There was also a time when I didn't want to go out of my room. I didn't eat, didn't shower... But I had to eat and go to the bathroom of course, because I if I didn't fill my stomach I would suffer gastric. So I tried to eat something, something I had laying around like snacks.
It was pretty bad and it was within this month. I was concerned for myself because I know it was real. It's not in my head. Went online to find out about it and I think I have agoraphobia. I'm just reading the symptoms and taking online tests through the internet, so who knows if that's true. But I'm just learning. I also have this pressure to get a job as soon as I can, because I'm in my 5th month of not working. I want to get a job but most jobs require 1-2 years of experience in the industry or something like it. So I'm trying to find entry-level jobs that would take fresh graduates in my town. There's this job that I really want I prayed so much so that I would get it... Tawakkal. I'll continue praying and leave it all to God.
Recently, my friends have moved on in their life too. They're married and having kids, while I'm here just... being introverted. I feel kinda stuck and lost too. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough but this anxiety really weighs in on me... It really is a crippling anxiety. Can anxiety be an excuse to this? It sounds like an excuse but what can I do to overcome it? It feels like a wall or impenetrable fog that lets me see the opportunities and the outside but I just can't get through. That's why I feel stuck.
I've also started to crave personal company. Don't know how I'll get there, but that feeling is definitely there. I think it's nice to have someone by my side who won't judge me and always have my back. Thinking about it is kinds toxic to me, but if I don't think about it then I can't take action now, can I? To be honest, there's too much going on and too much to consider, too much to think about and too much to grasp, that I'm just overwhelmed and don't know what to do. I should take it step by step and slowly, I know I'll get there.
Comments
Post a Comment