Deep In Earth

There are no classes today. I'm opting to stay inside all day. I was pretty wrecked last time. I felt like the world was ignoring me and I felt helpless. I couldn't rely on anyone but myself and God. I realized that I couldn't depend on people because they don't really care about you. They won't help you no matter what because they have their own lives. They won't realize that you're drowning and they won't come save you because it would ruin their schedule or they had better things to do that save you. It's really like that. But yesterday, I had some people helping me. And I'm thankful for that. I was bad because I was late, and I felt so awful because of it. I hate inconveniencing people, and if I do, it effects me more than it should. I'm talking about "I should be punished for this" kind of thinking. Even though it's kind of a small thing. I think, if I took my own life because of something like that, it would surely be ...

It's Sunday today. And I'm not doing too good. I've started to do my final year project seriously but it seems like I've had some pretty tall brick walls to scale. It's pretty bad. I called my dad and he told me I should have done something sooner. Well, he's right. I've did bad. It was my fault for delaying things. I didn't have enough courage to even talk to strangers. I didn't have the confidence. I remember I was so scared and anxious. Just thinking about it made me nervous. And that has costs me so much these past few weeks. All because of my anxiety. It's really hard on me now. I don't what else I can do. I just hope the other people can help me out. I won't give up. I'll think of something. I'm trying to be optimistic because if I let it consume me, I'll get all depressed again and that is not what I need right now. If it gets to that I won't be able to do anything. I'm struggling to keep the darkness away...

It's night time. This past few days, I've been brooding about a lot of things. Some sad things, some sweet things, and some exciting things. It inspired me to write some new posts, but life got ahead of me and I didn't write anything. Tonight, I decided to spend some time to update the blog and post some stuff. I have a Skype call interview tomorrow afternoon. I was extremely nervous because the recipient was someone I never seen or talked to before. Then I read that it's better to just audio call somebody for Skype interviews, so that helped with my anxiety a bit. Since I couldn't see the person, and the person couldn't see me, I feel a little bit better. My daily routine consists of me watching Youtube videos. Just now, I watched a chocolate cake and cheesecake souffle tutorial. The recipe was so simple even I felt like I could do it. It make me feel like, I want to bake a cake right now. But I'll save it for when Eid comes around. I'll bake those ...

Decided to just post about this. I've been having some real unhealthy thoughts. Exhaustive, toxic kind of thoughts. They consist of rationalizing the life of many other people who have it so good and so much better than mine. Yes, I know, I mustn't compare myself with others. I know all that counseling stuff. But, I'm going to express my feelings here because writing it is the best way I know of. I kept thinking, why do they get to be so happy and have such a perfect life? Why do I feel sad even though I try so hard? Did they really do good and deserve all that perfection? Am I really that sinful and dirty that I have to feel all this? Why am I always being tested? For the record, I am not such a patient person, but I always try to be. Sometimes, it's just so hard. Then I remember that God always tests his favourite people so that they can become better. The most tested people were the Prophets and they made it through with Allah's grace. Human beings will kee...

I felt like writing today's post because I felt a little sad. I started to listen to queen Lana Del Rey and her songs bring me to places. It's mid-term break right now. I am back home on my comfy bed. I wish I could be alone, but I'm not. I've got exams coming up after this week is over. So I brought my note book for mind maps. Haven't done a thing though. Last Saturday, as soon as I got home, my sister told me about this novel she found amidst her junk and she said it was given to her by a taxi driver who claimed that her daughter wrote the novel. So it really made me intrigued, jealous even. How on earth do people get their works published? Do they just accept any manuscript that go their way? Do they reject most manuscript that goes their way? What criteria do they want in order have it published? I've been having this little dream about publishing books since long ago. Never though it would happen though... There's a possibility... but I can't...