Deep In Earth

These past few days have been pretty colourful. I started a new job as this year started and now it's the third month. As I go to work, I'm pretty cheerful because I've made good friends already at the workplace. When I come home, I'm happy as I get to rest and play games. However, the days at home were spent with much gloominess. The black thoughts have started to come back, and my heart feels tight. My wrist feels light and my muscles feel heavy. Dark thoughts are here, and I'm trying to ignore them. News that touch the heart or emotional news break my stoic front and tears began to flow. My chest hurts and my mind is filled with so much gloom. It is hormones again? I feel sad that the people I love are hurting when all I want for them is to be happy. I feel sad when people are evil to each other in the news because human beings deserve to be treated with respect and mercy. I feel sad when people ignore the genocide of fellow human beings in war-bound countrie...

It's a tearful kind of night tonight. I've been spending the day playing computer games and watching Dir en Grey videos. Now I've got the "konpeki no umi". Then made a playlist of my melancholic songs that would suit my mood right now. Somehow got Zakuro into the list, played it, gave up in the first 10 seconds. No, I'm not ready for that. Got Jealous-reverse- and Kasumi, and somehow it's making me sadder. I didn't cry, but my eyes got watery. My heart feels weak and tired. I tried my best today, as well as these last couple of days. Maybe I should release it all now.

I have a lot of thoughts in my mind and a lot of things that I plan to do. I've got so much stuff that I want to do. But today, I'm just going to express a little opinion of mind. As a human being, I've always wanted to be a better person. I'm trying to be a better person in the direction to God. But sometimes, I'm not always a good person. As much as I try to be patient and positive, there's darkness in everybody and I have accepted that there is a darkness in me that perhaps won't go away as long as I live. All I can do is keep trying and be better, and look back on my actions and decide to stay away from anything that will cause me to be the person that I don't want to be. I also believe that anybody can change for the better. No matter what their past may be, there's always a potential of good in every single human being. I truly believe that. It is up to God to open their hearts and show them the way, and it's up to the person themselves...

When I'm listening to music, I take certain breaks at a time. I start to get an itch for something else and listen to that for a while, and then I get another itch and listen back to the band that I was listening to a couple of months ago. So I haven't been listening to MCR for quite some time, because I had the itch to listen to other music from other bands. So one day I was going out with my sisters when I hear the G note being played in the local radio station in the moving car. It became silent in the car for a while until the opening words came in.. "When I was, a young boy.." I gasped and turned to my sister on my left, and she began to sing; "..my father, took me into the city.." and I was like a mess inside. I proceeded to tell my sister about Gerard's comic and how it was being turned into a show on Netflix. I didn't realize that I missed the band so much, even though I did. I was silent and listening to the G note and the following pian...

Sometimes we do get these voices in our heads. But we just get on with our lives and it doesn't bother us anymore. It's gone like a fleeting moment. However, I'm surprised at myself. Since yesterday, I've been having these voices in my head, these intense, emotionally-charged and repeating voices that tells me bad stuff. I'm kind of scared actually. I mean, we read about these stuff, you know. Things about depression and mental illnesses. I'm kind of scared if this is what's happening to me. I wasn't so sure if I had these things before, since I wasn't so educated about it. But it's here now, and it's not going away. I think it happened because I went out with my friends last night and I was driving. I showed one of my acquaintance a side of me that I don't usually show to other people. And the things that I said.... I wish I hadn't said it. So that kind of played into me being so beat up about it. I beat myself up about it even tho...

I've been researching a lot about my empathy. I always regarded myself as an extremely introverted person but I found out that these things I am experiencing could mean something psychic. Now, I'm not saying that I am psychic, but I do believe that some people do have the gift of empowered intuition and senses. So I got into reading about these things and I came across a word called 'clairsentience'. Apparently, it means the ability to sense strongly the feelings and emotions of entities around them in the heart and body. This is very intriguing because I never regarded it as clairsentience before, but I do pick up the emotions and feelings of people a lot. That's why I hate going to crowded places or places where there are a lot of people. It exhausts me a lot and I tend to just look down and not mind other people around me. I haven't been going out a lot, just a few times because I was forced to, but I really didn't want to. Let me tell you a few incid...