Voices In My Head
Sometimes we do get these voices in our heads. But we just get on with our lives and it doesn't bother us anymore. It's gone like a fleeting moment. However, I'm surprised at myself. Since yesterday, I've been having these voices in my head, these intense, emotionally-charged and repeating voices that tells me bad stuff. I'm kind of scared actually. I mean, we read about these stuff, you know. Things about depression and mental illnesses. I'm kind of scared if this is what's happening to me. I wasn't so sure if I had these things before, since I wasn't so educated about it. But it's here now, and it's not going away.
I think it happened because I went out with my friends last night and I was driving. I showed one of my acquaintance a side of me that I don't usually show to other people. And the things that I said.... I wish I hadn't said it. So that kind of played into me being so beat up about it. I beat myself up about it even though it's probably not important and the other person probably doesn't care. But I just keep thinking that it would affect her view of me or add to my prejudice that I fear people could have about me. And last night I had insomnia. The voices in my head are saying "I hate myself and want to die.." and "I hate everyone so go to hell..", things like that. Hateful stuff. It's even here in the morning when I woke up. I'm trying to calm down and tell myself that everything is going to be okay, don't beat myself about it, it's fine etc. But it's not working. The voices are so persistent and repetitive. It's there all the time. It hasn't gotten louder, and I haven't been hallucinating, but it's still there. I can only hope that the voices would go away at this point. Apart from having these voices in my head, I'm also thinking about slitting my throat... This might sound really bad to whoever is reading this, but I'm fine. I mean, I know I'm not going to kill myself and I don't actually want to die. These stuff just manifest themselves in my brain, you know what I'm saying? There's an image that appears in my brain, an image of me slitting my throat with a knife, that's it. Even I think that this is a problem and I've been asking myself this all morning. Do I have a problem? It is because I haven't been meeting people for months? I think I couldn't handle it anymore. My heart just couldn't handle people anymore. And it's not that people were mean or hate me, it's my inner voice putting me down and breaking me. I know all about it. But it still overpowers me sometimes. It kind of makes me want to drown the voices in my head. I don't want to listen to them anymore. Am I having a mental illness? Do I need help? I don't want to be the person to is pretending to have mental illness because I'm dramatic or anything like that. I'm concerned about myself, you know? I'm feeling a little sad and my heart feels bruised, and I'm the one who did it to myself.
And the voices are still there, at the back of my mind even when I'm doing or thinking about something else. When I'm not doing anything that requires me to think, it gets bolder and louder, that it sometimes come out from my lips. I really just want to know what's happening to me and why am I feeling this way. I want the voices to stop so I can be better again.
I think it happened because I went out with my friends last night and I was driving. I showed one of my acquaintance a side of me that I don't usually show to other people. And the things that I said.... I wish I hadn't said it. So that kind of played into me being so beat up about it. I beat myself up about it even though it's probably not important and the other person probably doesn't care. But I just keep thinking that it would affect her view of me or add to my prejudice that I fear people could have about me. And last night I had insomnia. The voices in my head are saying "I hate myself and want to die.." and "I hate everyone so go to hell..", things like that. Hateful stuff. It's even here in the morning when I woke up. I'm trying to calm down and tell myself that everything is going to be okay, don't beat myself about it, it's fine etc. But it's not working. The voices are so persistent and repetitive. It's there all the time. It hasn't gotten louder, and I haven't been hallucinating, but it's still there. I can only hope that the voices would go away at this point. Apart from having these voices in my head, I'm also thinking about slitting my throat... This might sound really bad to whoever is reading this, but I'm fine. I mean, I know I'm not going to kill myself and I don't actually want to die. These stuff just manifest themselves in my brain, you know what I'm saying? There's an image that appears in my brain, an image of me slitting my throat with a knife, that's it. Even I think that this is a problem and I've been asking myself this all morning. Do I have a problem? It is because I haven't been meeting people for months? I think I couldn't handle it anymore. My heart just couldn't handle people anymore. And it's not that people were mean or hate me, it's my inner voice putting me down and breaking me. I know all about it. But it still overpowers me sometimes. It kind of makes me want to drown the voices in my head. I don't want to listen to them anymore. Am I having a mental illness? Do I need help? I don't want to be the person to is pretending to have mental illness because I'm dramatic or anything like that. I'm concerned about myself, you know? I'm feeling a little sad and my heart feels bruised, and I'm the one who did it to myself.
And the voices are still there, at the back of my mind even when I'm doing or thinking about something else. When I'm not doing anything that requires me to think, it gets bolder and louder, that it sometimes come out from my lips. I really just want to know what's happening to me and why am I feeling this way. I want the voices to stop so I can be better again.
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