West of the Sun
I am always happy when I listen to music. Music is my escape. It is my paradise. When I listen to music and feel it throughout me, I can forget everything. And what I feel, what I see, underneath my dark eyelids, are images created by that melody. I love it tremendously.
To describe how I feel when I went out with my friends the other day, last week actually, I felt happy. I wanted to go out for some time. Then we decided to go play by the sea, I was even happier. I love the sea. The fact that I could not swim won't change that. Though I confess, I have wanted to swim in the sea for a long time. I yearn to feel the coldness and then the warmth of the ocean waters against my skin. It would feel nice, wouldn't it? Anyway, I had fun on that outing with my friends. I'm sure that I am certainly not the best company to have, but I felt honoured to be invited by them. I love them.
But as I walk out of their car, wave them goodbye and enter my home, I felt empty again. The kind of deep loneliness that slaps you in the face. It was so sudden I couldn't react to it. Like I am living in a different world than theirs. Like I've just stepped out of a movie, it's back to reality. I had fun, I smiled, I laughed, but in the end, I am alone. Not that I have a problem with it. At least, I think I don't. It is just how things are. And I have accepted that fact. I choose things to be this way. And I am fine with it. I can bear with it.
I think I have found an equivalent of me in another person. It is like if there is another me, then this person is it. A male equivalent. Sadly, it is a fictional character. The first time I found out how he was, I was shocked to read everything that defined me. Well maybe not shocked but surprised, I don't know. You see, he was very similar to me. Almost exactly like me. But not exactly. Halfway through the book, I realized that he was a jerk. A selfish jerk, that's what he was. Not that I'm saying that I have an angelic personality. I try to avoid being a jerk as often as possible, and I've never been a jerk like him. And as I read on, I kept thinking, "Yes, that's right.." "I agree.." and all that stuff. I realized that he thinks like me and I think like him. There are differences between men and women. I thought that if I ever was a man, I'd most probably be like him. He's my male equivalent. What he wants to find in people, what he wants to find in life, really echos to me. And that surprises me because I never thought it could be put into words. For that, I am impressed. There are some things about him that I cannot say exists in me. For example, the way he is successful with his business. I do not think I have what it takes to do it like he does, though I understand that the way he does it would probably be the same way I'd do it. But I completely disagree with some of his decisions. Then I think again, what if I was in that situation? A male me, in that situation, what would I have done? I can't say for sure that I'd do what he's done, but I also can't say that I won't do it. It is all a matter of the environment and the circumstances. But in the end, he settled for the decision that I would have made and wanted. I understand him completely. Why he thinks that way, why he made those decisions, I understand them completely. It is like the things in my mind are put into words. And he, a fictional character is the one thinking it, the things resonating in my mind.
I probably have said this before but I'll say it again. I think about fictional characters as if they are real people. And I do. I feel them, I live in them, I cry for them. Don't understand it? It is pathetic? It is the absolute truth. What can I say.
To describe how I feel when I went out with my friends the other day, last week actually, I felt happy. I wanted to go out for some time. Then we decided to go play by the sea, I was even happier. I love the sea. The fact that I could not swim won't change that. Though I confess, I have wanted to swim in the sea for a long time. I yearn to feel the coldness and then the warmth of the ocean waters against my skin. It would feel nice, wouldn't it? Anyway, I had fun on that outing with my friends. I'm sure that I am certainly not the best company to have, but I felt honoured to be invited by them. I love them.
But as I walk out of their car, wave them goodbye and enter my home, I felt empty again. The kind of deep loneliness that slaps you in the face. It was so sudden I couldn't react to it. Like I am living in a different world than theirs. Like I've just stepped out of a movie, it's back to reality. I had fun, I smiled, I laughed, but in the end, I am alone. Not that I have a problem with it. At least, I think I don't. It is just how things are. And I have accepted that fact. I choose things to be this way. And I am fine with it. I can bear with it.
I think I have found an equivalent of me in another person. It is like if there is another me, then this person is it. A male equivalent. Sadly, it is a fictional character. The first time I found out how he was, I was shocked to read everything that defined me. Well maybe not shocked but surprised, I don't know. You see, he was very similar to me. Almost exactly like me. But not exactly. Halfway through the book, I realized that he was a jerk. A selfish jerk, that's what he was. Not that I'm saying that I have an angelic personality. I try to avoid being a jerk as often as possible, and I've never been a jerk like him. And as I read on, I kept thinking, "Yes, that's right.." "I agree.." and all that stuff. I realized that he thinks like me and I think like him. There are differences between men and women. I thought that if I ever was a man, I'd most probably be like him. He's my male equivalent. What he wants to find in people, what he wants to find in life, really echos to me. And that surprises me because I never thought it could be put into words. For that, I am impressed. There are some things about him that I cannot say exists in me. For example, the way he is successful with his business. I do not think I have what it takes to do it like he does, though I understand that the way he does it would probably be the same way I'd do it. But I completely disagree with some of his decisions. Then I think again, what if I was in that situation? A male me, in that situation, what would I have done? I can't say for sure that I'd do what he's done, but I also can't say that I won't do it. It is all a matter of the environment and the circumstances. But in the end, he settled for the decision that I would have made and wanted. I understand him completely. Why he thinks that way, why he made those decisions, I understand them completely. It is like the things in my mind are put into words. And he, a fictional character is the one thinking it, the things resonating in my mind.
I probably have said this before but I'll say it again. I think about fictional characters as if they are real people. And I do. I feel them, I live in them, I cry for them. Don't understand it? It is pathetic? It is the absolute truth. What can I say.
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