Mind In Shambles
Hi. Recently the weather has been to my liking. It's not to sunny but it's not raining. It feels a little chilly too. My favourite kind of weather.
So now, let's get to it.
I have this desire to study overseas. It's been something that I really want for a while now. I may not be consistent with my wants and desires, but I think this is something that I should take a shot at. Give it a try, you know? Who knows maybe it'll turn out fine.
But of course, there are always obstacles on the road to every dreams. Even those that don't seem like it could be a problem becomes a problem. I will talk about some of it here.
You see, I tried to talk to my parents about it, I believe I wrote about it before in a previous post. They did not talk me too seriously. More like they did not believe in my determination or my abilities. I agree, I do not always come off as the most confident and reliable person in the world, but give me guidance and I will do it. Give me faith and I will believe in it. I think I can do it. However, my parents do not feel the same. I am not really sure if it's because they are over-protective of me or what, the vibe they were giving me was surely negative. My father laughed at my talk. He did not take me too seriously. And to be honest, it hurt my feelings. It took me all the courage I had to speak about it to them and they simply shoved it off like a piece of plastic that caught your attention for a moment, but then you ignore it and floats where the wind takes it.
And it pains me that my father looks at me like I am a stupid and worthless thing. I may be imagining things, because I really do feel that way sometimes, but he really rubs it in. Every single mistake and he implies that I know nothing. Literally. So I want to show him that I can do it, but even he hinders my dreams. I am fully aware that this is not my father's fault or anything like that. I know that this is all on me. I hope they could trust in me and take my dreams seriously. It's hard enough to talk and discuss with them. But they still look at me like a helpless child. Aside from that, they expect me to be grown up and do things by myself. I get what they mean by doing that, but it annoys me terribly. Like, they expect me to know everything about life by now, but then they consider me still a child. When I don't meet to their terms they look down on me like they have foreseen it happening. Like, it can't be help, she's still a child after all. It be great if they could guide me a help me along the way. But no, I am forced to do things on my own without guidance. How am I supposed to learn something that is never shown. I hate people. I hate the world.
Huh, I need to calm down.
Anyway, when I talk to my mother, she listens and attends to me, but then she decides that it is not so important and watches TV. Even though I beg her to listen, she simply ignores me. When I talk to my sisters, they also look at me like I can't do it. And they advises me to just study the degree that I am offered to study and take masters overseas. And again, they say it all half-heartedly like it is not important at all. I am bearing my thoughts and dreams and they shove it away like it is nothing. I feel hurt.
Well, thank goodness I have some friends that I can discuss it to. You must know, I am not one to talk about these things to my friends. I dislike talking to them about these things. But one friend, he is going to study medicine in Egypt. Looking into the situation in Egypt right now, he is probably going to be transferred to somewhere else like Russia. Anyhow, I talked to him about this problem of mine and he help me get the agency website where they send Malaysian students to study medicine or pharmacy or dentistry abroad. He says the process is really simple, and the agency will take care of everything. I will just need to register and enter the required details. If I succeed, they will call me and if I accept the offer, I will have to pay them the required fee. It sounds just nice and I feel excited about it. He told me about everything that I need to do and I really feel like it is possible for me. The only thing is... I am not interested at all to study medicine or the like.
I have always wanted to study English Literature or Psychology. I am only interested in those fields. I think I will have to find other agencies that can help me to study the courses that I truly want. But it is also hard to find them. They are mostly visible in education seminars and all that but we rarely have one of those here in my home town so that makes things sort of difficult. Plus, there are always fake agencies and scams going about. I only know one agency with those services. I think I am going to try it. It seems convenient enough. I'll try to apply for it, then hope for the best.
Wish me luck everyone. I need it tremendously. Please include me in your prayers because I also need it in the way Sherlock needs John. There will always be obstacles in the road to getting our dreams, and I will try to overcome this. I will not bow down and leave things be. I'll manouvere my own future. At least, I will try. Even if it be hard, I'll do it for me, for my ego, for the glory, for my dreams!!!!
Haha. Bless you. :)
So now, let's get to it.
I have this desire to study overseas. It's been something that I really want for a while now. I may not be consistent with my wants and desires, but I think this is something that I should take a shot at. Give it a try, you know? Who knows maybe it'll turn out fine.
But of course, there are always obstacles on the road to every dreams. Even those that don't seem like it could be a problem becomes a problem. I will talk about some of it here.
You see, I tried to talk to my parents about it, I believe I wrote about it before in a previous post. They did not talk me too seriously. More like they did not believe in my determination or my abilities. I agree, I do not always come off as the most confident and reliable person in the world, but give me guidance and I will do it. Give me faith and I will believe in it. I think I can do it. However, my parents do not feel the same. I am not really sure if it's because they are over-protective of me or what, the vibe they were giving me was surely negative. My father laughed at my talk. He did not take me too seriously. And to be honest, it hurt my feelings. It took me all the courage I had to speak about it to them and they simply shoved it off like a piece of plastic that caught your attention for a moment, but then you ignore it and floats where the wind takes it.
And it pains me that my father looks at me like I am a stupid and worthless thing. I may be imagining things, because I really do feel that way sometimes, but he really rubs it in. Every single mistake and he implies that I know nothing. Literally. So I want to show him that I can do it, but even he hinders my dreams. I am fully aware that this is not my father's fault or anything like that. I know that this is all on me. I hope they could trust in me and take my dreams seriously. It's hard enough to talk and discuss with them. But they still look at me like a helpless child. Aside from that, they expect me to be grown up and do things by myself. I get what they mean by doing that, but it annoys me terribly. Like, they expect me to know everything about life by now, but then they consider me still a child. When I don't meet to their terms they look down on me like they have foreseen it happening. Like, it can't be help, she's still a child after all. It be great if they could guide me a help me along the way. But no, I am forced to do things on my own without guidance. How am I supposed to learn something that is never shown. I hate people. I hate the world.
Huh, I need to calm down.
Anyway, when I talk to my mother, she listens and attends to me, but then she decides that it is not so important and watches TV. Even though I beg her to listen, she simply ignores me. When I talk to my sisters, they also look at me like I can't do it. And they advises me to just study the degree that I am offered to study and take masters overseas. And again, they say it all half-heartedly like it is not important at all. I am bearing my thoughts and dreams and they shove it away like it is nothing. I feel hurt.
Well, thank goodness I have some friends that I can discuss it to. You must know, I am not one to talk about these things to my friends. I dislike talking to them about these things. But one friend, he is going to study medicine in Egypt. Looking into the situation in Egypt right now, he is probably going to be transferred to somewhere else like Russia. Anyhow, I talked to him about this problem of mine and he help me get the agency website where they send Malaysian students to study medicine or pharmacy or dentistry abroad. He says the process is really simple, and the agency will take care of everything. I will just need to register and enter the required details. If I succeed, they will call me and if I accept the offer, I will have to pay them the required fee. It sounds just nice and I feel excited about it. He told me about everything that I need to do and I really feel like it is possible for me. The only thing is... I am not interested at all to study medicine or the like.
I have always wanted to study English Literature or Psychology. I am only interested in those fields. I think I will have to find other agencies that can help me to study the courses that I truly want. But it is also hard to find them. They are mostly visible in education seminars and all that but we rarely have one of those here in my home town so that makes things sort of difficult. Plus, there are always fake agencies and scams going about. I only know one agency with those services. I think I am going to try it. It seems convenient enough. I'll try to apply for it, then hope for the best.
Wish me luck everyone. I need it tremendously. Please include me in your prayers because I also need it in the way Sherlock needs John. There will always be obstacles in the road to getting our dreams, and I will try to overcome this. I will not bow down and leave things be. I'll manouvere my own future. At least, I will try. Even if it be hard, I'll do it for me, for my ego, for the glory, for my dreams!!!!
Haha. Bless you. :)
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