Been Away
I've decided to come back and write something. I've had various things on my mind a lot before this but today I felt like writing it down and posting it on my blog.
I'm still at school and I'm still struggling with my studies. It's the beginning of a new semester but I feel rather unmotivated. Hopefully this situation improves.
Yester night, I had a thrilling dream. It was about a female killer targeting a newly-wed couple. It was in movie mode and the witness to the crime plot was the lead character. It was rather scary I should say, and the episode ended in a field of corn or tall grass, I couldn't really say which one. I woke up feeling a little scared and sad. The killer was standing while looking down at me after all, before I got to my senses.
Back in my home, I was spending my time in luxury. It was a tough semester last time, so I used up my vacation taking it really easy and pampering myself with laziness. I started watching 2 Days and 1 Night again. I don't know why, but one day I just happened to remember the funny episodes in that variety show, when there was still Hodong, Sugeun, Jiwon, MC Mong, Kim C, and Seunggi. I miss them a lot so I re-watched some episodes. I got interested in the new season 3 and started watching that too. I have to say, season 3 is amazing. In my heart, season 1 is still the best, but season 3 is really worth watching. Kim Junho is an amazing comedian,his jokes and skits are always so funny. I think the casts are perfect for each other, they have great chemistry. I've always liked the odd ones and Joonyoung really stood out for me. People might like him or hate him, but I find him really fascinating. He's my type too. He may do stupid and unexpected things but he doesn't really care how his image will be. He accepts how he is and he isn't afraid to show it. That's what I like about him. Unlike some celebrities who try so hard to be likeable and cover up their awkwardness and bad habits, Joonyoung is really honest about who he is and just acts like however he wants to. He's not afraid of the outcome and he doesn't hide from people. I needed to find someone like this to like the Korean wave. So far, I've only been a fan of 2 Days and 1 Night and Return of Superman.
I used to watch 2 Days and 1 Night a long time ago, when Running Man still didn't exist. These days, a lot of people know Running Man but they don't know 2 Days and 1 Night. It makes me uncomfortable as they talk about Joogkook but I talk about Jiwon, and we can't understand each other. Back in high school, my friends didn't watch 2D&1N and they were uninterested whenever I talked about it. Back then, it was all about boy bands and girl groups. No variety shows at all.
I was watching the music video to Teenager and reading the lyrics, I realized I really felt the same. I don't want to grow up and go to society. I don't want to contribute to the world and work to be successful. I don't want to achieve something materialistic. I don't want to go out and meet people only to be judged and criticized. I don't want to be forced to take in that criticism and improve myself. I don't want to improve.I like myself just the way I am. Sure, I want to become a better person, but I want to do it because of my own criticism, not because of how somebody sees me. I really like the way I am and I'm not going to change just because someone thinks I should mature or go back to reality. I want to stay in my imaginary plane and I'll change only when I see fit. It's because I want to live my own life.
I hate dealing with people. It exhausts me. It takes so much from me when I go out. I bet nobody understands, how trying and hard it is to take a step out of my house and meet people. I detest being around crowds. In this university, crowds are everywhere and I understand that it is unavoidable. I just... feel extremely uncomfortable. If I could, I'd like to stay inside the whole day, but I have to go to classes and I have to go get dinner. It may be something very trivial, but I feel good whenever I've dragged myself out of the house, face all those discomfort and anxiety and come back into my room. I feel like I've achieved something, because it was difficult for me in the first place. I am sure, if there are people reading this passage, they will think me as being lazy or selfish or all the bad things. It's fine if you think that way, because I've already thought about all of that myself. I know what and how I am, and I am truly trying to fix things. I do believe that human beings have different mental and physical capabilities. I am not saying that I am disabled. I just, need more time and more work to get myself straightened up. I hope nobody minds.
Writing my thoughts really helps me a lot. I always have these things to say or think excessively in my brain but I rarely let it out. Writing it down helps me release everything I've got pent up. Sometimes I go back to drawing, though writing with words are more fulfilling. I don't really care if people will read my essays. It's a release for me. Since I seldom talk to people anyway.
Today is Sunday and I'm alone in my room like always. Thinking back, I wish I could stay young and youthful. I abhor growing up and conform to society. I want to be myself. I want to live my own life. People my tell me off or influence me or try to convince me, but in the end, the one who will be left happy or miserable is me. I will decide what to do about myself, with the guidance of the Almighty. Ameen.
I'm still at school and I'm still struggling with my studies. It's the beginning of a new semester but I feel rather unmotivated. Hopefully this situation improves.
Yester night, I had a thrilling dream. It was about a female killer targeting a newly-wed couple. It was in movie mode and the witness to the crime plot was the lead character. It was rather scary I should say, and the episode ended in a field of corn or tall grass, I couldn't really say which one. I woke up feeling a little scared and sad. The killer was standing while looking down at me after all, before I got to my senses.
Back in my home, I was spending my time in luxury. It was a tough semester last time, so I used up my vacation taking it really easy and pampering myself with laziness. I started watching 2 Days and 1 Night again. I don't know why, but one day I just happened to remember the funny episodes in that variety show, when there was still Hodong, Sugeun, Jiwon, MC Mong, Kim C, and Seunggi. I miss them a lot so I re-watched some episodes. I got interested in the new season 3 and started watching that too. I have to say, season 3 is amazing. In my heart, season 1 is still the best, but season 3 is really worth watching. Kim Junho is an amazing comedian,his jokes and skits are always so funny. I think the casts are perfect for each other, they have great chemistry. I've always liked the odd ones and Joonyoung really stood out for me. People might like him or hate him, but I find him really fascinating. He's my type too. He may do stupid and unexpected things but he doesn't really care how his image will be. He accepts how he is and he isn't afraid to show it. That's what I like about him. Unlike some celebrities who try so hard to be likeable and cover up their awkwardness and bad habits, Joonyoung is really honest about who he is and just acts like however he wants to. He's not afraid of the outcome and he doesn't hide from people. I needed to find someone like this to like the Korean wave. So far, I've only been a fan of 2 Days and 1 Night and Return of Superman.
I used to watch 2 Days and 1 Night a long time ago, when Running Man still didn't exist. These days, a lot of people know Running Man but they don't know 2 Days and 1 Night. It makes me uncomfortable as they talk about Joogkook but I talk about Jiwon, and we can't understand each other. Back in high school, my friends didn't watch 2D&1N and they were uninterested whenever I talked about it. Back then, it was all about boy bands and girl groups. No variety shows at all.
I was watching the music video to Teenager and reading the lyrics, I realized I really felt the same. I don't want to grow up and go to society. I don't want to contribute to the world and work to be successful. I don't want to achieve something materialistic. I don't want to go out and meet people only to be judged and criticized. I don't want to be forced to take in that criticism and improve myself. I don't want to improve.I like myself just the way I am. Sure, I want to become a better person, but I want to do it because of my own criticism, not because of how somebody sees me. I really like the way I am and I'm not going to change just because someone thinks I should mature or go back to reality. I want to stay in my imaginary plane and I'll change only when I see fit. It's because I want to live my own life.
I hate dealing with people. It exhausts me. It takes so much from me when I go out. I bet nobody understands, how trying and hard it is to take a step out of my house and meet people. I detest being around crowds. In this university, crowds are everywhere and I understand that it is unavoidable. I just... feel extremely uncomfortable. If I could, I'd like to stay inside the whole day, but I have to go to classes and I have to go get dinner. It may be something very trivial, but I feel good whenever I've dragged myself out of the house, face all those discomfort and anxiety and come back into my room. I feel like I've achieved something, because it was difficult for me in the first place. I am sure, if there are people reading this passage, they will think me as being lazy or selfish or all the bad things. It's fine if you think that way, because I've already thought about all of that myself. I know what and how I am, and I am truly trying to fix things. I do believe that human beings have different mental and physical capabilities. I am not saying that I am disabled. I just, need more time and more work to get myself straightened up. I hope nobody minds.
Writing my thoughts really helps me a lot. I always have these things to say or think excessively in my brain but I rarely let it out. Writing it down helps me release everything I've got pent up. Sometimes I go back to drawing, though writing with words are more fulfilling. I don't really care if people will read my essays. It's a release for me. Since I seldom talk to people anyway.
Today is Sunday and I'm alone in my room like always. Thinking back, I wish I could stay young and youthful. I abhor growing up and conform to society. I want to be myself. I want to live my own life. People my tell me off or influence me or try to convince me, but in the end, the one who will be left happy or miserable is me. I will decide what to do about myself, with the guidance of the Almighty. Ameen.
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