My birthdate
Today is my birthday.
Yesterday actually. It looks like it's already past 12 at midnight. Oh well.
I think this will be a very long post. I have a lot of things to write about.
I have always tried to be happy and I aspire to stay that way, and I do get happy sometimes, like when I'm watching anime or read a hilarious manga. I love it! But after a while, there is this feeling that comes creeping up to me when I am being left alone or inactive. It grabs me rather suddenly and I get trapped in it until I decide that I have to do something about it. And motivation is not my best friend. It is rarely there for me when I need it. I really don't know how people can get all of that motivation. People get motivated and be confident and happy all the time, it's not like I push away positivity but I just do not know how people could do it. How do people feel happy all the time? How do people stay positive all the time?
Well let me share my university entrance result. I got none of what I listed for, and I got a local university in my home state, and I got a course that is rather ambiguous. I'm not confident it will get me a good job. So here I am, finally got all credits for my stpm, and I received a course offer that I did not bargain for at all. I tried to be positive, thinking things like; perhaps this is the best, I can do it, and all that but honestly, I feel angry. This happened to me the last time I applied for university. Except last time I got the last choice, this time I was given the leftovers. I must have done something wrong. I admit my results weren't that good. But I passed. Compared to those who failed, my result means next to nothing? I was being positive, thinking that I'll get it this time, but no - it's the same thing all over again, perhaps worst. My dreams are shattered now. I've nothing to dream for. I know I've written about this before, about my dreams not coming true. I believed in it. I believed I'll get it if I tried hard to get it. Looks like I didn't try hard enough, or this is best that could have done. Maybe I overestimated myself. Heck, I wanted the best I could get for myself. Looks like, this IS the best I could get.
People say reality is harsh. I've experienced that first hand. I'm one of life's plaything, a joke. I don't know what I did wrong. People say we all do mistakes, but these mistakes are not the ones I should be making. It is my future. Mess that up now and I'll never recover. No matter what people say, "you move on" and such, you'll never recover if this kind of thing happens. Truthfully, I felt like I didn't want to live anymore. All the disappointments, the "if only" thoughts were gnawing my insides. Felt like there's nothing left anymore. You see, this was my goal. It was my dream to study in the Peninsular. But I didn't get it. I couldn't trust anything any more, not even myself. Last time I did, look at where it's got me to. I betrayed myself. Disappointment flying everywhere.
I guess I just have to accept it. When life gives you lemons you make lemonade, huh? I'll make yoghurt maybe. I like yoghurt better. I was angry. Still a little bit angry, because I am an angry person. But I feel better now. I wasn't feeling superb for my birthday, but I feel a tiny bit better. I'll do things my way. I'll just accept the offer and try to change my course. Insyaallah. It's been done before with much success. I just hope life could give me some hope here. I won't give up that easily. I'll try every option available before I give up. Actually I never give up. I'll run away before it comes to that. Right now I just need time to rearrange my thoughts, get my act together, find that bit of positivity and put it back in my life. I knew it would be hard if something like this were to happen, but I didn't expect to actually feel it. It hurts. It really hurts. It feels like being cut in half and half of it is being thrown away. I really needed somebody to hold me as I wallow in negativity but I'm a loner, I have nobody I can trust enough. In the end, I come back into the arms of those where I feel the safest and warmest; my bed and comforter. I usually stay in bed until quite late. I love to lay in bed for hours doing nothing but lay there. But eventually I must get up, and that is what I do after a couple of hours. Just... I need some more reassurance and time to settle my feelings wholly. It'll be irresponsible to keep this bad feelings inside forever. I need time to get them out of my system.
So there you have it. This girl here is an official person with broken dreams. Well, this isn't my only dream. I realize that now. My true, main dream is something else. I guess I'll just have to make do with what I'm provided with and make the best out of it. I still feel sulky and being a bit like a child who didn't get what she wants, but I know better. I can't be like this forever. I can't go back in time, and soon I'm the one who has to make the decision. There's no room for regrets, and I have none now. But this will leave a big scar in my life. A painful scar it will be, for it is a still a painful, open wound. I need to nurse it so it will get better. My advice if you cared to listen to this sad girl, I've got no advice. Because I thought I did things nicely, but it looks like it wasn't true. Nobody gave my any good advice at all. They all talk and talk but none actually gave me the advice I was looking for. And I dislike thinking so much. And I admit I am a difficult person. I might be crazy actually. Well what ever I am, I am sure that I am truly a broken person now.
Yesterday actually. It looks like it's already past 12 at midnight. Oh well.
I think this will be a very long post. I have a lot of things to write about.
I have always tried to be happy and I aspire to stay that way, and I do get happy sometimes, like when I'm watching anime or read a hilarious manga. I love it! But after a while, there is this feeling that comes creeping up to me when I am being left alone or inactive. It grabs me rather suddenly and I get trapped in it until I decide that I have to do something about it. And motivation is not my best friend. It is rarely there for me when I need it. I really don't know how people can get all of that motivation. People get motivated and be confident and happy all the time, it's not like I push away positivity but I just do not know how people could do it. How do people feel happy all the time? How do people stay positive all the time?
Well let me share my university entrance result. I got none of what I listed for, and I got a local university in my home state, and I got a course that is rather ambiguous. I'm not confident it will get me a good job. So here I am, finally got all credits for my stpm, and I received a course offer that I did not bargain for at all. I tried to be positive, thinking things like; perhaps this is the best, I can do it, and all that but honestly, I feel angry. This happened to me the last time I applied for university. Except last time I got the last choice, this time I was given the leftovers. I must have done something wrong. I admit my results weren't that good. But I passed. Compared to those who failed, my result means next to nothing? I was being positive, thinking that I'll get it this time, but no - it's the same thing all over again, perhaps worst. My dreams are shattered now. I've nothing to dream for. I know I've written about this before, about my dreams not coming true. I believed in it. I believed I'll get it if I tried hard to get it. Looks like I didn't try hard enough, or this is best that could have done. Maybe I overestimated myself. Heck, I wanted the best I could get for myself. Looks like, this IS the best I could get.
People say reality is harsh. I've experienced that first hand. I'm one of life's plaything, a joke. I don't know what I did wrong. People say we all do mistakes, but these mistakes are not the ones I should be making. It is my future. Mess that up now and I'll never recover. No matter what people say, "you move on" and such, you'll never recover if this kind of thing happens. Truthfully, I felt like I didn't want to live anymore. All the disappointments, the "if only" thoughts were gnawing my insides. Felt like there's nothing left anymore. You see, this was my goal. It was my dream to study in the Peninsular. But I didn't get it. I couldn't trust anything any more, not even myself. Last time I did, look at where it's got me to. I betrayed myself. Disappointment flying everywhere.
I guess I just have to accept it. When life gives you lemons you make lemonade, huh? I'll make yoghurt maybe. I like yoghurt better. I was angry. Still a little bit angry, because I am an angry person. But I feel better now. I wasn't feeling superb for my birthday, but I feel a tiny bit better. I'll do things my way. I'll just accept the offer and try to change my course. Insyaallah. It's been done before with much success. I just hope life could give me some hope here. I won't give up that easily. I'll try every option available before I give up. Actually I never give up. I'll run away before it comes to that. Right now I just need time to rearrange my thoughts, get my act together, find that bit of positivity and put it back in my life. I knew it would be hard if something like this were to happen, but I didn't expect to actually feel it. It hurts. It really hurts. It feels like being cut in half and half of it is being thrown away. I really needed somebody to hold me as I wallow in negativity but I'm a loner, I have nobody I can trust enough. In the end, I come back into the arms of those where I feel the safest and warmest; my bed and comforter. I usually stay in bed until quite late. I love to lay in bed for hours doing nothing but lay there. But eventually I must get up, and that is what I do after a couple of hours. Just... I need some more reassurance and time to settle my feelings wholly. It'll be irresponsible to keep this bad feelings inside forever. I need time to get them out of my system.
So there you have it. This girl here is an official person with broken dreams. Well, this isn't my only dream. I realize that now. My true, main dream is something else. I guess I'll just have to make do with what I'm provided with and make the best out of it. I still feel sulky and being a bit like a child who didn't get what she wants, but I know better. I can't be like this forever. I can't go back in time, and soon I'm the one who has to make the decision. There's no room for regrets, and I have none now. But this will leave a big scar in my life. A painful scar it will be, for it is a still a painful, open wound. I need to nurse it so it will get better. My advice if you cared to listen to this sad girl, I've got no advice. Because I thought I did things nicely, but it looks like it wasn't true. Nobody gave my any good advice at all. They all talk and talk but none actually gave me the advice I was looking for. And I dislike thinking so much. And I admit I am a difficult person. I might be crazy actually. Well what ever I am, I am sure that I am truly a broken person now.
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