Deep In Earth

It has come a time when I have been craving some company. I never thought I would thinking about it like I have recently. I have a confession to make. I've been feeling the need to have intimate human company. I wish to connect intellectually and emotionally with someone special. I don't have a significant other and I have been pretty alright without that need. But somehow, I've started craving for it. I guess it's a pretty normal human desire to want someone who would always be by your side and have your back no matter what. I'd like that a lot, now that I think about it seriously. I like the idea of a partner as home. Someone who feels like home. Wouldn't that be a nice thing to feel?

This month is a pretty nice month for me. The weather is great so far, and we've had some heavy rain for a few days so that was invigorating. Today, the weather is sunny. I like to talk about the weather because truthfully, I kinda enjoy the weather. I mean, looking at the sky and seeing how the weather is. That kind of fleeting moment is something I enjoy to do even if I don't like the outdoors very much. I love the trees and the animal kingdom, but I'm not the outdoor-sy type. I enjoy the indoors and solitude very much. With that said, I do feel kinda stuck here. I'm in a situation where I have to wait. I can make more effort and do more, but somehow I feel suffocated. Maybe I'm just lazy... But things are so trying sometimes. I wonder why I feel tired of everything and get annoyed at the most trivial of things? I was concerned recently because I don't want to go out of the house. I mean, go out to town and such. There was a time when I didn't even wan...

Tonight, I'm pretty drained. I feel like I could use a good cry. I haven't cried for release in a long time. There's too many thoughts in my mind that I couldn't properly think about all of them. Things happened today that made me so drained and bruised. I wouldn't say that I'm hurt, but it affected me so much that I'm so mentally disturbed right now. We got scolded again today for being late. I totally understand the reasoning behind it. It's pretty basic, being there early. What I don't understand is why I had to be dragged into it. I wished people could be more patient and not be angry. Especially now 'cause we're going to do umrah soon. And why do I have be seen like the person who don't know anything when I'm the one asking for the other person? And the other person looked at me smirking. I'm the one who's asking the question for the other person because the other person was too shy to ask it. Then why look at me ...

Can love and support really help to save someone from suicide? This year, there has been more news of suicides of our beloved artists. Who knows how much more of that of the ordinary people. So many people are giving their favourite artists their love and support, but I wonder if it will ever give the impact that was expected. I fear for that. Depression isn't as easy as feeling alone or sad all the time. The numbness cannot be cured simply through heartfelt words. But I do think that it is important to express the love and support, if it could help the victim to realize something, anything, of significance. Sometimes, it is not that the victims are drowning in loneliness, or they feel that they are unimportant, or they are unhappy. They do realize that they are much fortunate than others, and that they are important to their family and fans, but the numbness won't go away. It does for some, but for others, it seldom goes away, and sometimes not at all. Is it us? We a...

I've been thinking about this lately. Thinking about the things that I love very deeply... It would absolutely crush me to have it taken away. Please, do not ever go away. Please be here for always and never end. It would crush me. It would crush me. I would break. So please don't ever end. Don't ever leave us. Promise us this.

Tonight, I'm going to talk about something that happens to me sometimes that I have no explanation of. There are days when I can function normally, and there are days when I can't. These days, I can function somewhat normally, but I have some behavioral problems that is closely resembling the days when I can't really function normally. One of them is keeping clean. And by that, I mean showering and keeping my room tidy. On bad days, sometimes I won't shower (sometimes I do) and I won't go out (I always shower if I have to go out). I make sure to wash my face and hands, but I'm not showering as often as I should. My room has started to keep a mess. My leftover art supplies are still left laying on the floor. I'm really starting to hate it when I have to do chores. I like to do chores willingly, but sometimes when I am told to do something, I don't want to do and I have to force myself. I hate forcing myself but it had to happen like that. I real...

I've been spending a lot of time reminiscing about the past, and by that, I mean about Dir en Grey. Kyo's screams are the best then and now. I really miss the cute Kyo back when they first started. It baffles me how cute he was. Then when they went on Europe and American tours, things started to get pretty tough on them. Kyo turned to express himself more. I have to say, I don't miss the days when he self-harmed on stage. I'm glad those days are gone (almost...) but I do miss their intensity and the pain that I could hear in that voice. I could tell the frustrations that they were having, the pain and the difficulties, and it translated into a penetrating voice which Kyo would scream out to the audience. I think those times of trial and pain pushed them further with their performance, resulting in an emotional performance each time. I cherish those days but I'm sure as happy they are pass. I miss to hear the pain in that voice but I'm also glad the pain of tho...